[UPDATE] Welcome, Instapundit readers. Yes, this is a real story.
…then it’s pretty clear: you have a vampire problem.
Headmaster: No Vampires At Our School
Boston Latin H.S. Tries To Quash Rumors
BOSTON — The headmaster of one of the city’s most prestigious exam schools is dealing with an unusual rumor sweeping student classrooms.
There are no vampires at Boston Latin School, says headmaster Lynne Moone Teta.
Yeah. Damn right you saw this movie. We all did. And we all know what happens next: there’s going to be a few more people gone, and then there’s going to be a couple more, and there’s going to be some conveniently-upcoming big shindig and the bloodsucking fiends are going to be converging en masse on the conveniently-stake-free walking smorgasbord. Just like clockwork.
Well, I’m here to properly help. Not to try to tell you why there are no vampires, really: if there aren’t any, why bother telling you? No, I’m here to tell you what to do when one of the gore-lusting leeches comes smashing through the walls looking for your precious bodily fluids.
This Bostonlist PSA looked promising, but as far as I can tell it’s just apparently ripping on Twilight. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course: but probably you should use something more… practical. So, here goes.
- Guns are not actually useless. While most legends of the nosferatu agree that you can’t actually kill one with a firearm and make it stick – for some reason, carbon-based weapons are more ‘natural’ than metal-based ones, even though neither is exclusively made in a cyclotron or anything* – vampires do apparently have some nodding acquaintance with our reality, as witnessed by the fact that you can see them and they drink your blood and they don’t collapse into a pile of quarks and all that. That should mean that when you intersect the path of one with some high-velocity lumps of metal going the other way, the resulting reaffirmation of the primacy of Newtonian law should at least slow the leech down. So shoot it three or four more times and then use whatever method you think will actually work.
- Know what method will actually work. This will require a good deal of research: as the two best popularizations on the subject (Anno Dracula and The Fearless Vampire Killers, or Pardon Me but Your Teeth Are in My Neck) make clear, there are quite a lot of different kinds of bloodthirsty Undead out there. To help with that… fortunately, there’s the Internet. And unfortunately, there’s the Internet. Still, if you run out of research time, there’s always this technique. Inelegant, but it works.
- Religious symbols. There’s always going to be an argument whether or not it’s the actual item or the belief behind it that makes a religious symbol an apotropaic ward against the Undead (for those of a philosophical bent, the movie Fright Night explores this conundrum in more detail). Your best bet is probably tracking down whatever anti-vampiric techniques your own personal faith structure dictates, and following them carefully. If this does not appeal, become either a Roman Catholic, or a Baptist: the first gives you a valuable formal support structure and the second pretty much lets you use a shotgun as your apotropaic symbol anyway.
- Lastly: Don’t bother talking to them. If they were interested in being transgressive, yet safe predators they wouldn’t be smashing through your wall to drink your blood, now would they? Sheesh. This ranks right up there with “Don’t split up!” as advice to the would be vampire-hunter.
Hope this helps, kids. And, remember: you have to wait until s/he actually shows the fangs before you can stake the Annoying Authority Figure Who Was Really A Vampire All Along. It can mean the difference between dealing with a thirty-to-life jail sentence, and dealing with a merely suddenly-dusty school uniform.
*But see The Stress of Her Regard for an interesting counterargument.