Our critical Mad Science gap.

Now, as I have noted elsewhere I am giving a somewhat jaundiced eye towards our upcoming defense cuts, if only because I’m missing why we’re cutting from the military when we’re spending like drunken bureaucrats just about everywhere else. That does imply that I can be reasoned with on the need for any one particular program. Maybe.



WASHINGTON, DC – The Government has been forced to pull back on defense spending. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates is pulling funding on F22 and Area 51, which is expected to close within the month. At a press conference on Monday Robert Gates announced his new plan to shift resources from costly weapons systems to the ground campaigns in Iraq and Afghanistan

Area 51 is a top secret government installation in southern Nevada. It first gained recognition as a secret government testing site in the 1950’s. Since then it is believed to be where the government tests new and alien technologies. Most of the new and alien technology Secretary Gates is cutting is expected to be in Area 51.

Most of the absolutely critical advances in American technology – lasers, fuel cells, microprocessors, Cheez Wiz – have been generated via Area 51. The salvaged entertainment system from the crashed Roswell saucer alone has justified the entire program, although I will admit that the 8-track tape thing didn’t work out as well as was hoped.  Still, this is an absolutely critical military facility, with endless opportunities for industrial and scientific advancement; we cannot let little trivialities like “telekinetic implosions,” “rips in the space-time continuum,” or “involuntary accelerated mass mutations” obscure the valuable work being done there.

So keep Area 51 open, Secretary Gates.  Do not force me to unleash my minions upon the land.

Moe Lane


  • Matt says:

    What makes you think we can get anything else from the saucer? We’ve had it for over 50 years and had the likes of Einstein, von Braun and Nye go over it. Unless we get a more advanced ailen craft to study, I say close Area 51.
    At least on paper, that is.

  • Moe_Lane says:

    You know, we said that back in 1964, too. Then somebody started poking at the negative space generators, and the next thing we knew, there was Astro-turf just waiting for us to use.

    I think that we should at least keep the harmonic clusters operating. Sure, we don’t know that they’re actually keeping the trans-Neptunian comet eaters out there in the Oort Cloud, but we don’t know that they’re *not*, do we?

  • Matt says:

    The mad science, we’ve gotten so far, as has been spotty at best. Your minions are the perfect example, the mind control laser only works on Homarus americanus. Forrester particals were discovered but have no praical use, other then making non-dairy creamer. Why should we waste the money from the gold machine in Fort Knox for usless mad science?

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