Jul
27
2010

#rsrh Correcting Newsweek. Again.

I’m not going to get into the supposedly-ratified first 13th Amendment that banned titles of nobility – no, really; I’m not getting into it, and I don’t really care if people think that I’m a tool of the Illuminati for doing so* – but this bit from Newsweek makes my teeth ache:

Desiring to get out in front of the issue—or possibly seeking to score points against the Federalists, who had their own embarrassing ties to the British aristocracy—Republican Sen. Philip Reed of Maryland introduced an amendment meant to strengthen the existing “emoluments clause” in Article I, Section 9, of the Constitution.

God, it’s bad when a major newsweekly isn’t even up to the editorial standards of Wikipedia.

OK, real quick lesson on political parties in this country.

  • First we had George Washington.
  • Then, the same people who were absolutely determined to have a country without political parties… created a political party (the Federalists).
  • Shortly thereafter, a different set of people who were also absolutely determined to have a country without political parties… created a political party (the Democratic-Republicans).
  • In 1796 we invented gridlock by having a Federalist President and a Democratic-Republican Vice President.  It has since proven popular.
  • In 1800 we invented the negative campaign.  By the way, anybody who thinks that the 2000 and/or 2008 elections were nasty should check out the 1800, 1824, 1828, 1860, 1864, 1876, 1884 (a personal favorite of mine), 1912, 1960 and 1968 elections.  Or, if they don’t have the time, they could just cut to the chase and shut up until they develop something approaching historical awareness.
  • So in 1812 we had the Democratic-Republicans coming up with this Title of Nobility thing; the Federalists, on the other hand, were busy trying to decide whether they wanted to secede from the Union rather than participate further in the War of 1812.  Well, that was how it ended up looking.
  • Starved of power, the Federalist Party falls apart.
  • Bloated with power, the Democratic-Republican Party falls apart.
  • Some Federalists join some Democratic-Republicans to form the National Republican Party.  There is some indication that this was done to hide from Andrew Jackson, who was crazy.  In a kind of fun way, unless you didn’t like America, were John Calhoun, or were Henry Clay.  Or a Cherokee. Or Andrew Biddle… OK, let’s just say that there was a list.
  • The rest of the Democratic-Republicans become the agency of Andrew Jackson’s will.  They then become the Democratic party, and then spend the next 190 years trying to become the absolute antithesis of a political party that was originally created by Andy Jackson.  They have largely succeeded.
  • The National Republicans fall apart and become the Whigs.
  • The Whigs fall apart and become the Republicans.
  • The Democrats think about falling apart, but instead decide to start the American Civil War.
  • AND THEN CAME ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THEODORE ROOSEVELT, AND RONALD WILSON REAGAN FROM BEYOND THE SKIES IN THEIR MAGIC BIRDS OF STEEL TO LEAD THE PEOPLE OF THE LAND.  IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE PROPHECY.
  • Sorry, I’m sort of obligated to put that in.

So, in other words: this supposed amendment was actually created by the guys whose descendants were the ones that survived the Jacksonian purge of the existing one-party behemoth, and not by the guys whose descendants sought to get past their awkward heritage of secession by coming down with both feet on a bunch of secessionists – who were themselves descended from the party led by a man who went into frothing fits at the mere mention of the word ‘secession.’

Clear?

Fine, read this: The Complete Idiot’s Guide to U.S. History, Graphic Illustrated.  I haven’t read it yet, but it has Ken Hite as an author, which means that it being bad would violate the laws of physics themselves.  Seriously, he’s that good.

Moe Lane

*Although if there are Illuminati out there I certainly wouldn’t mind discussing employment opportunities.  You guys have a dental plan?

1 Comment

  • Patrick Thomas says:

    I “love” the “Ma Ma, where’s my pa?” cartoon.
    Your burning bush voice of the Lincoln, TR and Ronald Reagan is AWESOME!!!

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