(Via Hot Air) Just to be clear: it’s not enough to simply shut down the House Select Committee on Global Warming. (OK, real fast: the Democratic leadership created a committee in 2007 to pontificate on study global warming; said committee has been pretty much a exercise in grandstanding ever since, and the new Republican House leadership is going to get rid of it just as soon as they can. Hence, ‘shut down.’)
Oh, no. That’s too nice. And not nearly ritualistic enough.
- What must be done here is to have every scrap of paper and non-toxic flammable material found in the former office space of said committee carefully captured and shredded.
- Store them with a certain reverence – as you would any worthy enemy – and collect them in an arid place, the better to suck out all the moisture from the pages.
- Meanwhile: set your interns to weaving, ye Republican House members. Set them to weave in wicker a mighty bear from the Arctic wastes; twenty feet high and roaring his defiance at the ozone layer above.
- Then stuff the wicker bruin with the papers, and wait patiently for the spring equinox.
- A week before the equinox, gather the GOP legislators together at a remote, hidden place, and divide them up as to their House. Have each House compete amongst themselves, with games of skill, strength, will, and nobility. Let one of each House be declared the Glorious Avatars of the Sun, and instruct them both in their solemn duties.
- The night before the equinox, wrap the Speaker of the House in blankets used by Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt, and Eisenhower and have him sit a night’s vigil at Reagan’s Eternal Flame of Freedom. The Speaker must take and keep a flame of his own, and nurture it during all that time.
- Come for the Speaker an hour before dawn, and dress him in a robe made wholly of synthetic fibers.
- On the morn of the equinox, gather forth ye Republican legislators on the National Mall, where the wicker bruin has been placed beforehand.
- Have your two Avatars take a torch apiece, and light them from the Speaker’s borrowed flame.
- Then have them advance upon the wicker bruin, while reciting these words:
- (House Avatar): As the heat of the Sun makes the flower blossom, so may this flame heat our resolve!
- (Senate Avatar): As the warmth of the Sun comforts the bones the old, so may this blaze comfort our souls!
- (Both, together): BURN, ILL-BEGOTTEN HOUSE SELECT COMMITTEE! BURN, AND LET YOUR ASHES FERTILIZE THE SOIL! BURN, AND GIVE BACK YOUR CARBON TO THE WORLD!
- And then have them set the wicker bruin afire as the Sun clears the horizon.
- The Republican legislators then hold hands and circle deosil around the burning bruin while singing the National Anthem. All four verses… no, actually, they can skip the third one.
- After that: pancake breakfast and cleanup.
That’s how you kill a House Committee.