So I hear that Watertown Park, Alberta…

…is having a deer problem.

The deer have grown too accustomed to the townspeople and the tourists, who feed them popcorn, candy and sandwiches in exchange for close-up photographs. The deer lost their fear. And then the humans gained some, particularly of a pair of deer with fast front hoofs.

To the point now that the deer are actually stalking humans, at times.

Well, this is easy to fix. What you do is, you get yourself a pistol and you go find the biggest, meanest, most aggressive mule deer. You go up to that mule deer -but not too close – and then you whack it. Double-tap the head, empty the clip in the body, and then you leave the corpse for a day. From then on in, you wait for reports that a deer is bothering a human; when one comes in, you go over there and you do the same thing to a random deer in the area. And its friend.

Word will get around. I don’t know it’ll get around, because deer can’t talk, but it will get around.

Moe Lane

PS: Seriously, non-domesticated animals only leave us alone because we’re scary apex predators. You want that to continue, you better be ready to act like a scary apex predator on occasion.


  • pst314 says:

    “…you go over there and you do the same thing to a random deer in the area. And its friend.”

    Better yet, don’t kill its friend, just wound it: Word will get around faster.

    • Moe_Lane says:

      Can’t agree, pst314. Guns are for killing: you shouldn’t draw one, or even carry one, if you’re not prepared to use it properly.

      • Moe_Lane says:

        OK, OK: guns are also for target shooting, which is a fun and edifying activity for a great many people. You still shouldn’t point one at another living being unless you’re prepared to use it.

  • AZR says:

    There was a time in Alberta when we weren’t scared of Bamby…and then the boom hit, and we got all the Eastern riff-raff, as King Ralph would say.

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