Oct
17
2011

#rsrh It is time for Detroit to get a zombie plan.

And before anyone points out that Detroit does not actually have any zombies, let me note that at this point it does not matter:

The war to keep the lights on in Detroit is a serious one. Thieves, antiquated equipment and a lack of funding have made it impossible for city officials to catch up to the problem.

City officials estimate 15-20 percent of the 88,000 lights in the Motor City are not working, and they acknowledge that figure could be as high as 50 percent in some neighborhoods. Providing lighting to the city costs $10.7 million annually.

The city is already in a post-apocalyptic scenario: it merely needs to have its leadership accept that.

So here’s my plan.

The Detroit Zombie Plan.

  • Create a core territory.  Something easily defensible, and with some sort of existing resource base.  The center of government is a tempting choice, but I would suggest instead the riverfront, the airport, and what was once parkland.
  • Consolidate.  Pull in every citizen of Detroit who wants to move to the core territory.  Everybody that doesn’t want to move… well.  They’re on their own.
  • Fortify.  Control access in or out.  This is why the core territory needs the parkland; Detroit’s going to be growing their own food for a while.
  • Police core area aggressively.  Giuliani levels will do.
  • Expulsion.  Break the law in Detroit?  Hey, there’s the exit, right over there.  And stay out.
  • Stabilize.  Grow crops.  Start up businesses.  Trade with outside world.
  • Expand.  Once conditions stabilize in the core area, increase the core area one burned-out block at a time.

…Yes, I know that this is so impossible to implement that it deserves new synonyms for “impossible:”  still, it’d actually kind of work.  Up until people started suing, that is.

Moe Lane

PS: They tried Robocop already.

9 Comments

  • Jeff says:

    Maybe Mayor Bing’s ‘Urban Farming’ idea is part of a secret plan to implement this. Personally, I would recommend Belle Isle as a starting point rather then the riverfront (assuming we’re not concerned about underwater zombies, otherwise stay away from the water since it’s a hard to defend front). Also, the Detroit airport is in Romulus and about a half hour drive from downtown, so that may not be a viable option.

  • Rob Crawford says:

    They don’t have zombies? Then what were those walking corpses with the UAW jackets?!
    .
    (I could be mistaken. Were they moaning about “brains” or “breaks”?)
    .
    Jeff — the waterfront must be defended, if only to protect Windsor and its fine, um, dancing establishments.

  • DaveP. says:

    “Snake Plisskin? I heard you were dead.”

  • Jeff says:

    Upon further reflection, the current there is too strong, making scuba diving and underwater zombie walking difficult or impossible, so a waterfront defense is more feasable and gives you access to a handy escape route. Windsor needs to defend only the tunnel and bridge, so they’re probably OK.

  • Darin H says:

    Dang. I guessed your answer was going to be “stop electing Democrats.” Yours is more fun though, I’d like more Mad Max than Zombieland personally (with the exception of the leather S&M wardrobes).

    “Who run Detroitown?”

  • BigGator5 says:

    Bloody hell. My answer was going to be Robocop until I got to the postscript.

  • Spegen says:

    Part of this is already the plan. The mayor wants to raze underpopulated areas and consolidat the populace to better neighborhoods. The is an airport in city but it is next to a large cementary, that will not be good if an army of skeletal warriors rise

  • MikeCG says:

    Live in a walled city state run by Democrats? I think I’d prefer to take my chances on the outside.

  • Brian Swisher says:

    Mass distribution of cricket bats?

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