Mar
16
2013

The Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco? This is a thing?

It’s apparently a thing.

It’s hard to excerpt this one – I’ve rarely seen sheer self-loathing presented so entertainingly in this one; the author clearly believes that he has failed some obscure moral test by liking the Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco from Taco Bell, and now his job is to convince you of his failure, too – but this probably provides a representative, ah, flavor:

It’s a credit—a terrifying, terrifying credit—to the ingenuity and technical know-how of the people at PepsiCo, that the repurposed military AI responsible for generating their new product ideas is now capable of so convincingly replicating the unbounded stoner-think of Taco Bell’s core consumer base. With a little bit of fine-tuning, eventually this large, monolithic, ominously-humming supercomputer will be able to crank out products targeted perfectly at all sorts of different demographics—DRIED CHERRIES AND GOAT CHEESE FOR THE YOGA MOMS GZZT GZZT—and then it’s just another hop skip and jump to full sentience and the eradication of mankind. The only question is whether consumption of Dorito-sheathed tacos will wipe us out first.

Personally, I don’t eat at Taco Bell.  Normally you’re supposed to say something like I don’t have anything against the place or anything but I just don’t happen to eat there at this point: or, in other words, lie.  So I guess that I’m judging.

…Sorry about that?

Moe Lane

6 Comments

  • qixlqatl says:

    Hey, Taco Bell’s cow eyeball tacos make a nice change of pace from McDonald’s cow eyeball burgers…. w

    • acat says:

      Umm, Taco Bell’s “taco meat” is somewhere north of 30% oats.. Fortunately for me, I’ve never liked “ranch”, let alone “cool ranch”, so I’m immune to this latest combination.
      .
      That said, the author misses a rather heavy beat; Frito-Lay has been cross-branding stuff for years now. This is not the first, and won’t be the last.
      .
      Mew
      .
      .
      p.s. Which is scarier at 2:00am? Taco Bell or White Castle?

      • qixlqatl says:

        And the other ~70% is….. “Beef Product”, perhaps? Which can mean anything that came from a cow. It doesn’t really concern me overmuch. It’s edible….more or less safe for human consumption…. I eat it once in a very great while, when it is readily available and I’m in a hurry.

  • Patrick Thomas says:

    Maybe they need to get Will Smith to take out the computer early.

  • BigGator5 says:

    “…And I feel fine!”

  • Darin_H says:

    Never really cared for their Tacos, haven’t tried the Doritos ones either. Used to like their Mex Pizza, do they still make it? Used to chow down on bean burritos if I needed some late night grindage.

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