Feb
18
2014

My inexplicable fisking of a Barack Obama fundraising email.

Really, I have no idea why I did this.

Barack Obama
To Me
Today at 4:55 PM

Hi, Barry! Can I call you ‘Barry?’ – I don’t care: you work for me, not the other way around. Barry it is, then, fellow-citizen. Who will be out of office in less than three years, so don’t get huffy about it.

Barry.

We’ve accomplished so much together over the last several years, and none of it would have been possible without you, Moe.

Flatterer.  But yes, it’s amazing what we were able to accomplish: you with your bone-jarring tin ear and inability to translate your personal good fortune into measurable electoral gains for your party, and me with my endless snark and geek references.  Together, we managed to actually cause the progressive agenda to take a full-face pratfall in the acidic, slowly boiling feces pile that is Obamacare!

There will be no medals for us, alas.  No one will ever thank you formally for your stellar talent for making small-government conservatism look not only good, but rational and sensible.  But I will salute you, President Obama.  And offer you good wishes and fortune, using the hallowed traditions of your home state.

On November 4th, America will elect the last Congress I will work with as President,

Can you… can you say that again?

On November 4th, America will elect the last Congress I will work with as President, and I’m going to do everything I can to help support the Democrats who are going to fight for an America where everyone has a fair shot at success.

I see what you did there, Barry!  On the one hand, the best thing that you could do for Democrats is hide.  On the other hand, Democrats in tight races want you to hide.  And on the gripping hand… your party doesn’t actually fight those kinds of fights, so that promise holds you to nothing. Well played there, Barry.

Today, I’m asking you to do the same. Chip in $10 or whatever you can to help Democrats, and when you do, you will be automatically entered to meet me in D.C. later this month.

I admit, Barry: I’m tempted.  If your filters aren’t smart enough to catch ‘Moe Lane’ prior to all of this – all false modesty aside, your organization should have memorized the names of every Contributor to a site as large and influential as RedState’s – you might not catch who I was, should I enter your rather surreal lottery.  Hey, is that even legal?  …Oh, wait, forgot: you know all of the words in that last sentence, but put them together and your eyes glaze over.

I won’t be on the ballot this fall…

Actually, you will be.

Oh, my, yes: you will be.

…but these midterm elections will have an outsized impact on what we’re able to get done while I’m in office.

We are in perfect agreement!

There’s so much more we can be doing to create opportunity for our family members and neighbors. We cannot afford to move back or stand still. This year has to be a year of action for all of us.

Still agreeing!

Pitch in to elect more Democrats today:

…And that’s where it all crashes down, of course.

Thanks,

Barack Obama

No thanks necessary.  Telling your party “No, you can’t” is one of the great pleasures of my life.

P.S. — Don’t worry about your flight and hotel — if you win, those will be covered for you and a guest. 

There had better be a pony, too.

Moe Lane (crosspost)

5 Comments

  • Spegen says:

    What color pony do you want now? You got the the pink one, purple next?

    • Luke says:

      He has the purple one. The pink one is different.
      .
      I have young daughters. I’m obligated to know that sort of thing. As kid’s shows go, it’s about average–not horrible, but not terribly good, either. That it seems to give some people’s lives meaning is a very sad commentary on their lives.

  • Catseyes says:

    I think you give them to much credit for competence Moe. Of course they can’t ask that one of their people be exposed to conservative thought it might cause doubt in the leftist mindset, doubt would lead to questioning and questioning would lead to expulsion from the Leftist hive, so they can’t expose themselves to conservative thought. Therefore they probably have no idea who the other writers for RedState are other than Eric, for that matter they may not even know there are other writers. The left seems only vaguely aware there is a right-o-sphere and seems to have absolutely no idea who is in it or what it’s about.

    • Crawford says:

      No, they “know” exactly what the right talks about — racism, oppressing women, how to exploit the poor, the number and types of guns we have, and how often we praise Jebus.

  • Finrod says:

    I want an Apocalypse Pony, myself.

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