National Graham Cracker Day – Google Docs
National Graham Cracker Day
This holiday is celebrated on July 5th — oh, yes, it’s still celebrated. Despite the best efforts of the FBI to shut it down. Which is hard to do when you can’t actually explain why you’re shutting down a religious holiday, because then you have to explain what the religion is, and that’s when people start freaking out.
The short version is this: Graham Crackers are the methadone to the heroin that is Father Graham’s Memorial Food-of-Life. Never heard of that stuff? Good. The Food-of-Life is your standard occultly-prepared and morally-reprehensible foodstuff that gets made during the most awful of rituals by the True Sons of the Grahamite Way. And who are they? Well, the True Sons are a bunch of frighteningly-rigorous ascetics who take the nuttiness (if you’ll pardon the pun) of the 19th Century health food movement all the way past obsession and smack dab into “ritual magic.”
Unfortunately, by the time they get to the ritual magic stage the average True Son Cultist typically has managed to develop both some impressive brain lesions, and a tendency to see human beings as suitable for consumption… once you squeeze all the evil meat out. And what’s left, after that? That’s right: Father Graham’s Memorial Food-of-Life.
So that’s why the FBI is so interested — and proactively going after the True Sons. Problem is, the cult insinuated itself into the American packaged food industry about a hundred years or so ago, and trying to root them all out has been a chore. July 5th tends to be a bit of a holy day for them, though; which is why we have a National Graham Cracker Day. It provides a bit of limited but real occult cover for the cultists, and (like most minor holidays) is difficult to simply excise outright.
…And that’s why there’s an Illuminati. I mean, seriously: does any of this knowledge make you any happier? Wouldn’t you just prefer that somebody simply straighten it all out, and not make you look with horror on snack cookies?
Exactly.