Item Seed: The Caramelizator.

Caramelizator – Google Docs

The Caramelizator

This handy-dandy device caramelizes onions. To operate, simply fill the hopper at the front of the Caramelizator with chopped onions, pull the trigger — well, yes, it has a trigger. Well, sure, that does make it look like a gun. OK, fine, the entire thing looks like a 1950s movie ray gun with a big ball on one end. But the ball is there just to hold the onions. And before you ask: good luck trying to yank that sucker off.

And even if you could get the ball off, what’s the point? The Caramelizator is such a low-power item it runs on batteries. It can’t be plugged into a wall — YOU MUST ABSOLUTELY NOT ADAPT IT TO LET IT BE PLUGGED IT INTO A WALL, LEST IT VIOLATE YOUR WARRANTY — so if you pull off the ball all you’ll have then is a defective, broken Caramelizator. Although the odd blue light that you can now see coming from inside the device might at least prove interesting. And… oddly tanning.

But no matter. Back to using the Caramelizator. Put in your chopped onion, pull the trigger, and voila! Instant caramelized onions. These are perfect, too. And the magic happens in seconds! No wonder that the Caramelizators are flying off of the shelves. At this rate, virtually every household in the onion-eating world will have a Caramelizator by next year. Already the restaurant industry has a Jumbo Caramelizator in the kitchen. Those suckers can do entire trays in seconds, thanks to an ingenuous belt-fed system, and it’s still man-portable! Barely, sure.

Anyway, this is definitely a winner from upcoming manufacturing powerhouse Enlightentech. They’re pumping out these Caramelizators like crazy, as well as Micro-GPS units (“Accuracy to 1 inch or your money back!”), Interlok(™) Phones (“Lock together your lives!”) and their Kinetigel(™) line of outdoor gear (“Raindrops keep bouncing off your head!”). And Enlightentech keeps saying that the best is yet to come — or, as their motto says: “Keep Watching the Skies!”


  • Luke says:

    Blessings from heaven. I would happily buy one, and ask no questions.
    My wife loves caramelized onions, but refuses to believe that it takes about 45 minutes to do it. After all, the recipe books all agree that it only takes 10…
    (I kind of hoped grand conspiracies would be more interesting than this.)
    Yes, how long it takes me to cook a “20 minute recipe” is a frequent topic of discussion.

  • Phil Smith says:

    I understand why the aliens want to feed us lots of tasty onions and track us, but why do they care if we’re dry?

    • Moe_Lane says:

      Who said the aliens are the ones handing this stuff out?

      • Phil Smith says:

        I suppose the MIB could have a reason to feed us onions but I’m at a loss as to why.

        I guess it could be Spielberg.

        • Moe_Lane says:

          Hmm. It may be a little *too* subtle. Short version: void the warranty by taking off the ball that’s diffusing the energy, and plug it into a proper battery — or house power — and suddenly you have a ray gun. This might come as a nasty surprise to anybody who might be, say, monitoring Earth’s broadcasts prior to an invasion.

          • Phil Smith says:

            Got it. I tend to overcomplicate scenarios. I always think the DM is as devious as I am and end up looking for three sides on a two sided coin.

          • acat says:

            I got that part .. although I think I would’ve gone with “it runs on batteries .. well, while there’s room for a bunch of heavy D cells, it only needs the one AA to work” ..

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