Apr
20
2018

BURN THE LETTUCE!

Cast all the romaine lettuce into the cleansing flame, for the sake of your very lives!  This lettuce is befouled and becursed, with a miasma of pestilence that will seize hold of your entrails and squeeze tight.  Let no putrid leaf escape purification! None!

…Seriously, folks, gastro sucks.  Don’t take the chance; toss out the romaine lettuce. Better safe than sorry.

Moe Lane

PS: “Burn the lettuce” sounds like an euphemism.  For what, I’m not sure.

9 Comments

  • Belcatar says:

    I believe “Burn the Lettuce” is a euphemism for video game microtransactions.

    Example: I couldn’t get past level 537 of Candy Crush, so I had to burn the lettuce and get some power ups.

    • Moe_Lane says:

      Shoot. I was hoping for something filthier.

      • nicklevi86 says:

        I mean, can it be coincidence that the announcement cam out on 4/20?

        • acat says:

          That one’s almost too easy.
          .
          Hmmm .. perhaps a phrase for one who, after stuffing bills into .. garments .. in a certain sketchy type of club, discovers reasons to be elsewhere? (“Boss, you’re asking me to burn a lot of lettuce…”)
          .
          Mew

          • acat says:

            As an aside, an occasional associate indicates inflation has hit that scene .. it’s now $2 bills that are preferred these days.
            .
            If you’re still stuck on singles, your lettuce ain’t green enough.
            .
            Mew

          • 1_rick says:

            More than a decade ago when I lived in South Carolina, there was one of those places that gave out $2 instead of $1. The place was popular enough that you would see $2 in circulation from time to time.

            I saw the club owner in a store once and he was bragging how he got $28000 in $2 bills a month from the bank. So now you know where they were all going.

          • Finrod says:

            There’s a famous Internet story about a guy who goes into a Taco Bell at a mall with only a $50 dollar bill and a $2 dollar bill:

            https://paws.kettering.edu/~jhuggins/humor/taco2bill.html

          • Moe_Lane says:

            …I’d mock, but I’m sure I’ve done something equally stupid in retail.

  • Freddie Sykes says:

    The stories I have read all had to do with bags of chopped romaine. Let’s face it: there will always be a chance of getting an e-coli infection because some human doesn’t wash his hands after a dump or he ( or some animal ) uses the fields as an outhouse. The odds multiple significantly if the vegetables are chopped up and spread into many bags. Let’s not panic: we are not in China where you can eat nothing raw due to the use of untreated night soils used as fertilizer. It is estimated that medical errors are the 3rd leading cause of death in this country and you want me to worry about vegetables?

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