Aug
04
2018

Item Seed: Shogosu Kakigori (Frozen Shoggoth).

Shogosu Kakigori (Frozen Shoggoth) – Google Docs

Shogosu Kakigori (Frozen Shoggoth)

 

Well… surely not really?  Nonetheless, there’s a chibi shoggoth for a logo, and the ingredients on this single-serve frozen dessert cup say ‘shoggoth’ pretty clearly in Japanese (‘shogosu,’ if you’re wondering).  The cup in question is part of a 12 unit variety pack; Shogosu Kakigori comes in lemon, green tea, melon, and grape flavors, or at least this variety pack does.

What’s that? “Try to track down the manufacturer?”  Gee, if only someone had thought of that already OH WAIT.  If there was any useful information about the company that makes this stuff — like whether it even exists — rest assured, it would be in this briefing.

 

Moving on, analyzing the stuff revealed interesting things.  To begin with; yes, Shogosu Kakigori moves around on its own at room temperature.  Very, very, very careful experimentation with various animals reveals that Shogosu Kakigori is non-aggressive and apparently not carnivorous.  In fact, it seems to be a form of photosynthesizing plant not unlike moss. A rabbit kept in a partially-accessible enclosure with a sample of lemon-flavored Shogosu Kakigori (the Shogosu Kakigori could get at the rabbit, but not vice versa) lived in complete and unaffected harmony, right up to the moment when the researchers made the Shogosu Kakigori fully accessible to the rabbit.  

 

According to the cameras, one night the rabbit decided to consume most of the Shogosu Kakigori; roughly ten hours later, the rabbit’s eyes suddenly glowed blue and it psychokinetically blew a hole through the cage, the lab, the outer wall, and presumably other things outside the camera’s field of view.  Certainly the rabbit wasn’t there the next day. Researchers were able to track down the rabbit, three days later; it showed no signs of psychokinetic activity, much to their relief, and is now being scanned by every unobtrusive method that the researchers can determine. It seems fine. Possibly even better than before.  Nobody wants to dissect it until they’re sure that it won’t react badly — as in, ‘explosively’ to being euthanized.

 

At this point, there are ten servings of Shogosu Kakigori left — oh, and nothing that says EAT THIS FROZEN OR ELSE YOUR BRAIN WILL EXPLODE on either the box or the cups.  It’d be kind of helpful if researchers could track the neurological changes from eating the stuff as they happen, and of course you can’t reason with a rabbit, so nobody wants to test this further on animals.  But you can reason with a human. And, hey, psychokinesis. That power is totally legitimate superhero territory, right there. They’ll remember the first brave volunteer who got no-fooling superpowers forever.

 

So.  What flavor would you like to try?

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