Item Seed: Panasonic Energy Posifilter Deluxe

Panasonic Energy Posifilter Deluxe

Description: it looks like a slightly ungainly portable electric air filter, with a full 1970s aesthetic in display.  It smells, faintly, of ozone and burned dust. The Posifilter runs on standard American house current, and has the general feel of something built during about 1976 or so (one of the dates found on the casing).  Needless to say, nobody at Panasonic has ever heard of this item.

The Panasonic Energy Posifilter Deluxe was discovered, quite by accident, in a Tucson home during an estate sale.  When plugged in, the Posifilter will remove all the negative energy in a standard-sized room within fifteen minutes, storing it in a handy detachable receptacle.  Once the receptacle is full, simply shake out the residue into a handy trash can, wash out the receptacle, and reinsert it into the Posifilter. Generally speaking, the device only needs to be cleaned out once every six months or so.  More often if there are remarkable amounts of bad vibes, inauspicious feng shui, somebody’s having a particularly poor biorhythm week, or of course the moon is in Scorpio or whatever.

In short, the Postiflter is a quack device for purging areas of pseudoscientific concepts that don’t actually exist, only it really and truly does work when plugged in and turned on.  Researchers have been frantically trying to figure out the ‘real’ reason why before somebody just gives up and hands the item over to General Distribution for replication and insertion into the mundane world.  Nobody wants to have to take pyramid power or orgone seriously again, for reasons that are highly complicated while also being not generally relevant to the issue at hand.  But then, having something that could psychically clean up its immediate surroundings might actually be worth it, and the aforementioned (but carefully never described, below a certain clearance) reasons be damned.

And it would appear that somebody’s decided to force the issue by liberating a reverse-engineered copy of the device.  It’s the Walkman Incident all over again, except that this particular copy of the Posifilter has some unfortunate structural flaws in it that affect the output.  Time to go track it down — before the job becomes trivially easy, because all you have to do is follow the trail of bodies.


  • nicklevi86 says:

    Not to mention what do you do with all that Nega-dust from the filter once you’ve shaken it out? Surely no one would want to refine it down to Powdered Essence of F#@$-You!™ provided anyone could believe in the project long enough while handling to finish working with it.

  • junior says:

    “Needless to say, nobody at Panasonic has ever heard of this item.”

    That’s because the device was *actually* built by a Chinese company that had pirated the Panasonic name. The only person aware of the fact that the company that built the prototype device was not, in fact, Panasonic, was the owner himself.

    • acat says:

      Is that how it went down? I’d thought it was a bad transliteration of “pan-sonic”, indicating it works with/on sound waves emanating from bad juju ..

RSS feed for comments on this post.

Site by Neil Stevens | Theme by TheBuckmaker.com