Apr
18
2019

Item Seed: The Hellsbane Spatula.

Hellsbane Spatula

Description: a thirteen inch cake spreader with what appears to be an eight inch stainless steel blunt blade and rubberized grip.  The Hellsbane Spatula is apparently immune to impact, corrosion, breakage, and all Earthly environmental conditions, up to and including being immersed in a lava flow.

Powers: The Hellsbane Spatula has the same effect on demonic entities as a functional chainsaw has on unarmored human flesh; only with less blood, and more spontaneous combustion.

“Spatula.”  It more or less means “little sword,” and wasn’t that just a pleasant surprise to the terrified, yet resolute pastry chef that grabbed the first weapon that came to hand when the demon came barreling through the window.  The chef prayed for a miracle, and the LORD apparently decided to deliver one; and the new demon slayer went on to have quite the career as a roving field exorcist for the Vatican until old age and a permanently risen gorge forced her to to take on a more advisory role.  The Hellsbane Spatula has had a dozen or twenty wielders since then.

…Yeah.  Normally the Vatican is a good deal more precise about the number of people who have carried one of Holy Mother Church’s blessed weapons, true.  The problem is that the Hellsbane Spatula is one of the enthusiastic weapons.  If it doesn’t get a regular enough diet of demons to Smite, it apparently will go out on its own — somehow — in order to encounter some.  This typically entails getting ‘found’ by a suitable enough candidate, assessing his or her potential for being a badass for the LORD, and unapologetically switching wielders whenever it finds a better one.  

The Hellsbane Spatula won’t just leave a newly unacceptable wielder in the lurch, of course.  It’s a Good-aligned item. But neither is it shy about making its intentions known when it finally finds a better person to wield it.  Eventually the Spatula finds a wielder good enough to bring back to the Vatican, and then the Smiting resumes at full speed until the wielder is sick of the sight of sizzling demon ichor.  Then the cycle typically starts up again, often to the secret relief of the former wielder.

The adventuring possibilities, should a Hellsbane Spatula appear in the vicinity of a party of demon-hunting player-characters, should be obvious.  Particularly if the Hellsbane Spatula is temporarily impressed by one of the PCs. Or perhaps torn between two (or more) worth candidates! I’m not sure how often that particular version of a lover’s triangle has come up before in campaigns.  It might be fascinating to watch.

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