What is good in life, @USWNT? To crush your enemies, drive them before you…

…and hear the lamentations of the Canadians.

I’m not a soccer fan. This, I think, is known. But if you don’t want to be humiliated on the field by the opposing team, play better. The women’s team isn’t on the field to make everybody happy. It’s there to — well, see the title.

No, seriously. Obviously, one must not cheat. And targeting the opposing side with injuries is stupid, counterproductive, and of course unethical. But my only objection here is that some of the time spent on celebrations could have been better spent running up the score more. Apparently this actually makes a difference later, and again I don’t really care on its own merits but the rules are the rules, and if we really have decided to stop letting the rest of the planet beat us at soccer for the sake of good international relations then the rest of the world is just going to have to deal with the consequences. One of them is, we make sure you know you lost. Makes winning again easier.

Oh, don’t be like that, rest of the world. We’re only doing this for your benefit, after all. I mean: think about how great it is to beat us when we’re this way? — Assuming that you can.

Moe Lane

PS: …What? I’m still a cultural and American chauvinist. This, too, is known.


  • UnmovingGreatLibrary says:

    Alas, this is just the women’s team. And the world that cares about soccer only really cares about men’s soccer.

  • Luke says:

    Any sport that would regard Bill Laimbeer as a hero instead of a heel…
    Played on a “secret” timer controlled by the referee…
    Where you can’t use your God-given abilities…
    Which normally end using the equivalent of a coin flip to determine the winner…
    With infamously corrupt referees…
    The rest of the world can have it.
    It fits their backwards cultures.

  • Compound says:

    One of the tie breakers in the world Cup is score differential. If you don’t want people running up the score, change the rule.

  • Finrod says:

    Soccer fans for some reason get upset at me when I call it metric football. And, I agree with every word Moe said.

  • JustDave says:

    I feel like they should announce that any opponent that does not wish to be subject to such treatment is welcome to forfeit prior to the start of game.

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