The “Far, FAR into the Danger Zone on the Hot Crazy Matrix” Darth Barbie doll.

Look, I’m not gonna lie. Adolescent Me would have dated Darth Barbie.

I mean, yes, Grown-Up Me takes one look at her and says High-maintenance. Very high-maintenance. Adolescent Me watched too many GI JOE shows with the Baroness* in them. This is the sort of outfit that the Baroness would wear to a secret meeting with the Crimson Twins that was using a West German charity fashion show for cover. Though she’d probably lose the cape as soon as Scarlett and Snake-Eyes burst through the windows and started kicking ass.

Damn. Give me five minutes, and I could write out the entire goram episode in my head. …Strike that: I’ve got it all straight now. The Baroness and Crimson Twins have put mind control chips in all the gowns and jewelry, so when the wives of the industrialists buy them Cobra will be able to take control of them later and get them to kidnap themselves. GI Joe finds out because a prototype went wrong, but they can’t operate in Europe openly because reasons, so Shipwreck and Roadblock are undercover male runway models…

…no, Shipwreck is a fake fashion DESIGNER, and he’s always trying to make the rest of the Joes follow the script for the runway. They stop the immediate threat, but three or four zombie wives are taken captive by Cobra and then it’s, you know, zap zap zap blue laser red laser and the day is [won]. Oh, and Shipwreck is now the toast of the fashion show, but that’s probably because of the parrot.

…I may have missed my calling.

Moe Lane

*Lie to me all you like. Heck, you can even lie to other people. But don’t lie to yourself.


  • jeboyle says:

    I never watched GI JOE.
    I have no idea who the Baroness is.


  • Towering Barbarian says:

    I can’t help but think that Skywalker would have new reasons to be horrified upon being told, “I am your father, Luke!”. @[email protected]

  • Luke says:

    (Sotto voce) Tomax, Xomat. (/Sotto voce).
    Spot on with respect to Shipwreck. He did successfully lie about his age to enlist at the age of 16, after all. At a time when public records were comprehensible and accessible. The squid has charisma.

    • Moe_Lane says:

      That is indeed their names, but I did look them up beforehand, and Crimson Twins is a legit name for the two. 🙂 At least, I figured that everybody would get that one, instead of Crimson Guard Commanders (*I* didn’t remember that one at first).

      • Luke says:

        Sadly, I didn’t look the answer up. Nor the factoid about Shipwreck. And I can tell you that the Wolverine (tracked missile launcher) driver was a former high fashion model (though I can’t remember if her code name was Cover Girl or Lady Jayne).
        We studied the index cards on the back of the packaging as obsessively as we’d design Car Wars Q-trucks and the various Monster Manuals a few years later.
        But I can’t remember why I came into this room…

  • Jon says:

    There are some amazing cosplays of the Baroness out there. Instagram would be a minefield for teenage you.
    Day is “one”, though?

  • Rockphed says:

    Now make another dozen such episode summaries and try to sell them to whoever owns G.I. Joe these days. I have faith in your ability to make them all as awesome.

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