I love Penny Arcade, but this situation is not the Apocalypse. It is, to quote Eric Flint, simply a problem to be solved.
And we have solved it. Two wide-aperture three-foot cardboard tubes, secured with duct tape, and fixed to our stoop’s bannister. A box at the bottom to collect the candy. The angle is steep enough that the candy can and does travel freely to the bottom. There! Social distancing achieved, and problem solved. We even have cardboard tubes for our neighbors.
Considering the usual irredeemable busybodies are also trying to cancel Thanksgiving and Christmas, I’m surprised there aren’t riots in the…. oh hold on. Oh MY what a tragedy. Who could have seen this sort of thing coming?