Jan
23
2018
1

Creature seed: Pseudo-blankets.

Blame my wife for this one.

Pseudo-blankets – Google Docs

Pseudo-blankets

 

They’re not exactly monsters.  Yes, they were summoned from an eldritch plane of existence that isn’t very nice. Yes, back in their home dimension they’re vicious predators. And yes, they were summoned by evil magicians in order to be monsters.  Amateur evil magicians.

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Jan
21
2018
2

Creature Seed: Warpex Cats.

So I saw this picture of Tom Baker being delightedly covered in kittens.

Warpex Cats – Google Docs

Warpex Cats

(felis catus gallifreyus, heinleinus, or ultharus)

 

These are all distinct species, although they are derived from the Canadian Foldex cat breed; no Warpex is interfertile with regular domestic house cats (or, indeed, another species of Warpex). All three Warpex species strongly resemble the Foldex, both in appearance and temperament. It can in fact be difficult to distinguish a Warpex from a Foldex, at least until the special abilities of the former manifest.

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Jan
01
2018
4

Creature seed: Ceteacopters.

When I told my wife about this, she at first thought that lift was accomplished by tying two whales together, and spinning them.  When I pointed out that this was a silly idea — I mean, really, the whales would just start vomiting — she looked at me.  And then she helplessly started to laugh.

Ceteacopters – Google Docs

Ceteacopters

 

History does not record the name of the medieval mage who first looked at a whale, and then at a double samara (otherwise known as a ‘helicopter seed’), and decided that the two should be combined, somehow.  Possibly because History was laughing too hard: first at the concept, and then the exceedingly comic attempts to execute it.  For some reason, Northern European mages and monarchs were obsessed at the idea of making a whale take off, hover in the air, and then touch down in a specific and precise location.  

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Dec
23
2017
2

Item Seed: The Apotropaic Ambulatory Groundcover Swamp Beet.

Apotropaic Ambulatory Groundcover Swamp Beet – Google Docs

Blame this.

 

Apotropaic Ambulatory Groundcover Swamp Beet

(Beta vulgaris subsp. palus daemonium occisio)

 

This particular cultivar should be distinguished from non-magical variants of cultivated beetroot. It shares a common ancestor (the sea beet, or Beta vulgaris subsp. maritima), but was specifically bred for reasons besides taste.  In fact, while Swamp Beets are edible they are not palatable; the leaves and root both share an unpleasantly meaty taste and texture.  The juice is also both unpleasant smelling, and tasting — and cooking does not improve the flavor or smell.

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Dec
14
2017
--

Creature Seed: the Icelandic Reedhaunter.

Blame this.

Icelandic Reedhaunter – Google Docs

Icelandic Reedhaunter

 

The Icelandic Reedhaunter is not precisely Undead.  Instead, its favored habitats are swamps saturated with necromantic energy, which means that the bird’s feathers and epidermis are Undead.  The Reedhaunter itself is a thoroughly inoffensive small brown bird from the order Passeriformes that eats death-aspected seeds and zombie insects.  They have, as one might expect, no particular natural predators; but the species’ fertility is very low (as one might also expect).  

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Oct
06
2017
4

Creature Seed: Steroid Squirrels.

Steroid Squirrels – Google Docs

Steroid Squirrels

 

Actually, it’s worse than you think.  They’re steroid explosive squirrels. The concept is as simple as it is depraved: how do you get a bioweapon package widely dispersed?  Why, you blow up the container in which it is currently housed.  But you don’t blow it up too much; simply converting a squirrel’s body fat and blood into a mildly explosive gas would do the trick nicely, for given values of ‘nicely.’  It took researchers two years to come up with the right genetic tweaks, but once they had them, the future was theirs.

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Oct
04
2017
1

Creature seed: Octopia Octopuses.

Octopia Octopuses – Google Docs

Octopia Octopuses

 

To use the classic Mad Scientist trope: it seemed a good idea at the time.  It always does, doesn’t it? Then again, if it was a bad idea then most people wouldn’t try it, by definition.

 

Anyway, when researchers discovered that octopuses (don’t start) were busily creating cities — in the sense that video games create cities, which means that there’s about a dozen or so of them vaguely wandering around each other amid a somewhat sketchy amount of infrastructure — most people said “Huh.” A few said “That’s interesting.”  And one said “A-ha! This sounds like it will be the perfect place to test out my Neuro-Physio Octopode Mutation Serum! Mwhah bah hah hah hahh!!!!!”  Because of course.

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Oct
02
2017
--

Creature seed: Cadatons.

Cadatons – Google Docs

Cadatons

 

Modern necromancers make these by taking 3D printer feedstock that’s been premixed with gravedust and powdered human bone, then printing out a complete humanoid skeleton that is about the size and weight of an empty 17 ounce plastic soda bottle.  Why?  Because that’s light enough — and specially treated enough — to allow your standard disembodied spirit to inhabit one indefinitely.  Assuming that the joints and whatnot were printed and put together properly, the Cadaton can even move — very, very slowly — under its own power.

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Sep
16
2017
--

Creature Seed: Psionic Tongue Zombies.

Blame this.

Psionic Tongue Zombies – Google Docs

Psionic Tongue Zombies

 

Install a chip in people’s tongues to help them with their sleep apnea, they said.  Bathe their craniums with regular doses of electromagnetic energy, they said.  Make it all accessible via the Internet Of Things, they said.  You can probably see where this is going, right?

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Sep
07
2017
2

Creature Seed: Murder Cheese.

Murder Cheese – Google Docs

Murder Cheese

 

You can eat it.  But you should not eat it, because if you ever see any, it was probably sent by an enemy that is trying to kill you.  Consuming any of the stuff will merely make the actual assassination itself a bit of a formality.

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Sep
02
2017
--

Creature Seed: Dehydrated Ambrosia.

Dehydrated Ambrosia – Google Docs

Dehydrated Ambrosia

 

Description: a wrapped, rectangular (6 inches by 3 inches by 3 inches) brick of gold-red, slightly spongy, organic material.  The stuff is slightly sticky to the touch, and is definitely water-soluble.  The wrapping consists of folded and sealed wax paper, with the words “Dehydrated Ambrosia: Mix with one Gallon of Water” written on the side.  In case anybody manages to do a successful trace of the package, it will prove to have originated from a now-defunct Californian winery that shut down during Prohibition.

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Aug
31
2017
1

Creature seed: Bellerophon Para-monkeys.

Bellerophon Para-monkeys – Google Docs

Bellerophon Para-monkeys

 

These primate-like, mammal-equivalents inhabit Bellerophon, the second planet orbiting 51 Pegasi.  They mildly resemble humans, in much the same way that a dolphin resembles a fish; major differences include pupiless green eyes, short brown to red hair covering most of their bodies, and a vestigial tail.  Also, Bellerophon Para-monkeys are about as intelligent as a cow.  On their home planet they are scavengers and molluscivores (snails on 51 Pegasi can grow to impressive sizes, at least for snails).  Most Terran colonists of 51 Pegasi consider them to be mildly annoying critters, but the monkeys tend to be innocuous enough not to be pests.

(more…)

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