Oct
06
2017
4

Creature Seed: Steroid Squirrels.

Steroid Squirrels – Google Docs

Steroid Squirrels

 

Actually, it’s worse than you think.  They’re steroid explosive squirrels. The concept is as simple as it is depraved: how do you get a bioweapon package widely dispersed?  Why, you blow up the container in which it is currently housed.  But you don’t blow it up too much; simply converting a squirrel’s body fat and blood into a mildly explosive gas would do the trick nicely, for given values of ‘nicely.’  It took researchers two years to come up with the right genetic tweaks, but once they had them, the future was theirs.

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Oct
04
2017
1

Creature seed: Octopia Octopuses.

Octopia Octopuses – Google Docs

Octopia Octopuses

 

To use the classic Mad Scientist trope: it seemed a good idea at the time.  It always does, doesn’t it? Then again, if it was a bad idea then most people wouldn’t try it, by definition.

 

Anyway, when researchers discovered that octopuses (don’t start) were busily creating cities — in the sense that video games create cities, which means that there’s about a dozen or so of them vaguely wandering around each other amid a somewhat sketchy amount of infrastructure — most people said “Huh.” A few said “That’s interesting.”  And one said “A-ha! This sounds like it will be the perfect place to test out my Neuro-Physio Octopode Mutation Serum! Mwhah bah hah hah hahh!!!!!”  Because of course.

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Oct
02
2017
--

Creature seed: Cadatons.

Cadatons – Google Docs

Cadatons

 

Modern necromancers make these by taking 3D printer feedstock that’s been premixed with gravedust and powdered human bone, then printing out a complete humanoid skeleton that is about the size and weight of an empty 17 ounce plastic soda bottle.  Why?  Because that’s light enough — and specially treated enough — to allow your standard disembodied spirit to inhabit one indefinitely.  Assuming that the joints and whatnot were printed and put together properly, the Cadaton can even move — very, very slowly — under its own power.

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Sep
16
2017
--

Creature Seed: Psionic Tongue Zombies.

Blame this.

Psionic Tongue Zombies – Google Docs

Psionic Tongue Zombies

 

Install a chip in people’s tongues to help them with their sleep apnea, they said.  Bathe their craniums with regular doses of electromagnetic energy, they said.  Make it all accessible via the Internet Of Things, they said.  You can probably see where this is going, right?

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Sep
07
2017
2

Creature Seed: Murder Cheese.

Murder Cheese – Google Docs

Murder Cheese

 

You can eat it.  But you should not eat it, because if you ever see any, it was probably sent by an enemy that is trying to kill you.  Consuming any of the stuff will merely make the actual assassination itself a bit of a formality.

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Sep
02
2017
--

Creature Seed: Dehydrated Ambrosia.

Dehydrated Ambrosia – Google Docs

Dehydrated Ambrosia

 

Description: a wrapped, rectangular (6 inches by 3 inches by 3 inches) brick of gold-red, slightly spongy, organic material.  The stuff is slightly sticky to the touch, and is definitely water-soluble.  The wrapping consists of folded and sealed wax paper, with the words “Dehydrated Ambrosia: Mix with one Gallon of Water” written on the side.  In case anybody manages to do a successful trace of the package, it will prove to have originated from a now-defunct Californian winery that shut down during Prohibition.

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Aug
31
2017
1

Creature seed: Bellerophon Para-monkeys.

Bellerophon Para-monkeys – Google Docs

Bellerophon Para-monkeys

 

These primate-like, mammal-equivalents inhabit Bellerophon, the second planet orbiting 51 Pegasi.  They mildly resemble humans, in much the same way that a dolphin resembles a fish; major differences include pupiless green eyes, short brown to red hair covering most of their bodies, and a vestigial tail.  Also, Bellerophon Para-monkeys are about as intelligent as a cow.  On their home planet they are scavengers and molluscivores (snails on 51 Pegasi can grow to impressive sizes, at least for snails).  Most Terran colonists of 51 Pegasi consider them to be mildly annoying critters, but the monkeys tend to be innocuous enough not to be pests.

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Aug
30
2017
2

Creature Seed: Oso, the God of Cocaine.

Oso, the God of Cocaine – Google Docs

Oso, the God of Cocaine

 

Unholy Symbol: a Grateful Dead-style dancing bear, with white paws, and white lines descending from its nose and mouth.

 

Why does he take the form of a black bear?  Because when you’re a dark theurgic engineer, you work with what you have.  If you have a bear that died from eating 40 kilos of cocaine, got stuffed, put in a museum, stolen, pawned off, bought by Waylon Jennings — hold on, it gets weirder — gifted to a friend of the guy who originally accidentally gave the bear the cocaine (not to mention posthumously, as the cocaine’s owner had ejected the cocaine just before he died in a tragic, yet somewhat satisfying, combination skydiving/drug-running incident), displayed in a Reno mansion for a decade, then sold to a Chinese-American apothecary who needed a display for his traditional medicine shop — look, you apotheosize the damned bear into the God of Cocaine, all right?  The mystical charge on this one was so strong that the woman who nominally owned the bear couldn’t stand it, and wasn’t able to throw it out.  It was almost irresponsible not to turn it into a god.

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Aug
28
2017
6

Creature seed: Canursines.

[UPDATE: Today is a good day.]

Canursines – Google Docs

Canursines

(Blame Penny Arcade.)

 

Wolves. That turn into bears.  As has been said in the aftermath of many a catastrophe: “It seemed a good idea at the time.” Or “Well, the principle was sound.” That’s a popular one, too.

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Aug
25
2017
--

Creature seed: Spikehorn Armadillos.

I saw a picture of an armadillo with longhorns somewhere on Facebook today.

Spikehorn Armadillos – Google Docs

Spikehorn Armadillos

 

When the nuclear tests of the 1950s produced giant ants, it also promptly produced creatures that could eat the giant ants.  Well, not the giant ants the size of buildings.  No, the smaller giant ants; the ones that are just the size of humans.  That’s what Spikehorn Armadillos eat.  And other giant bugs.

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Aug
23
2017
--

Creature Seed: ‘Clockwork Pigeons.’

Clockwork Pigeons – Google Docs

Clockwork Pigeons

 

‘Clockwork’ is not exactly the right term for these xenological lifeforms; they’re essentially independent collections of mosses that band together to produce more complicated ‘organisms.’ On the other hand, ‘clockwork’ does describe how the various collections interact with each other inside the Pigeon itself. Typically, said organisms look more or less like Terran birds, done up in various shades of brown, tan, and copper. Clockwork Pigeons pretty much can survive anywhere that has Earthlike conditions, and they’re incredibly difficult to eradicate once they establish themselves in an ecosystem.  

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Jul
28
2017
--

Creature seed: The Bee King.

Bee King – Google Docs

The Bee King

Bees, of course, do not have kings. So when bees encounter one, they tend to react about as horrified as a bee can manage.  You see, to them the Bee King is this horrible, enslaving entity that smells wrong and moves wrong and that can make regular bees grow weak and passively obedient and there’s nothing that can stop him.  The queens are helpless, the drones are helpless, the hive itself is helpless.  When the Bee King comes, the hive invariably becomes corrupted, and eventually dies.  And it doesn’t die easily; there is maximum suffering and misery involved, and the worst part is that there’s no discernible rhyme or reason to the destruction. All of which means that, to a bee, the Bee King is precisely the same sort of entity as Nyarlathotep would be to humanity.  

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