Moe Lane

I do wonder if I’ve ever made this joke before.

Kore-Cola – Google Docs

Kore-Cola

Made with real pomegranates!  And birch! And chervil! And a bunch of other herbs traditionally associated with death and the afterlife!  Not that they really mention those herbs on the label, and honestly: pomegranate is the important ingredient.  These particular pomegranates are from the orchard that Persephone planted in order to have a supply of seeds that would take her back to the underworld — what’s that?  Yes, well, suffice it to say that the Greek myths kind of got a few minor details wrong. Like the fact that Persephone and her mother actually invaded Hades’ domain (in fairness, he deserved it), and that Persephone and Hades were both being very much Greek deities about the situation. Which is to say: rude, entitled, mercurially violent, and utterly incapable of staying out of each other’s beds.  As usual.

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Norton’s Key – Google Docs

Norton’s Key

Location: on the western cliff top of Alcatraz Island, San Francisco, California.

Description: it’s the standard sword-in-the-stone setup; the Key is a battered old Union Cavalry saber and the stone it’s stuck in is a giant hunk of benitoite.  A plaque on the stone says, in English and Spanish: Whosoever pulls me from this stone will be the True Chatelan of the Emperor of the United States and the Protector of Mexico. The site absolutely reeks of civic-flavored magic.

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Gnomish Coffee – Google Docs

Gnomish Coffee

There’s coffee, and then there’s coffee grown on magical mountains, and then there’s carefully-engineered coffee meticulously grown on magical mountains by Gnomes.  Their tinkers, engineers, alchemists, and craftsmen practically live on the stuff, of course; so naturally Gnomes have been selectively cultivating coffee plants ever since the first Gnome had her first cup from a passing trader.  Gnomes tend coffee plantations the way some species tend vineyards.

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Seazing The Day – Google Docs

Seazing The Day!

Unlock Your Inner Powers Using Ancient Kootulu Wisdom

Seazing The Day! Unlock Your Inner Powers Using Ancient Kootulu Wisdom is scheduled to be published some time next fall.  It’s a fairly breezy self-help book, about one hundred and fifty pages long, and was written by one ‘Lavinia Gilman’ (the helpful author photo on the back shows a fairly attractive redhead with no signs of Deep One taint).  It is almost offensively banal in its message; the book features the usual combination of obvious practical suggestions and pseudo-psychological pablum. In this case, Seazing The Day! Takes a distinctly nautical theme, promising ‘deep insights from inside your personal depths’ and talking about visualizing ‘briny companions on your descent into wisdom’ and so forth.  And it’s probably going to hit the bestseller list, God help us all.

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Reassuring Cacophony – Google Docs

The Reassuring Cacophony

This… apparatus… is currently located in the basement of an otherwise unremarkable-looking cement building in the middle of the Australian Outback (northwest of Maree). Despite its appearance, the building itself is remarkably resistant to damage, and is inexplicably outfitted with light, water, and HVAC. The power sockets in the walls assume plugs of a non-existent type, but somebody fitted adaptors to American and European plugs a while back. The first and only floor of the building can fit about twelve people in sleeping bags; there is a sink, toilet (which shows signs of being installed later), refrigerator (ditto), and a cube that, when turned on, can boil water and fry eggs. There is also a storage closet, stuffed with long-term staples like toilet paper and cleaning supplies. There are no windows; light comes from a flat circle on the ceiling, and is almost unremarkably normal. (more…)

Caseus Belli – Google Docs

Caseus Belli

Judging from the old records, Caseus Belli was not particularly dangerous.  Name aside, it was simply a hard cheese made using a particular strand of bacteria; people who ate the cheese were slightly stronger, more vigorous, and could function for a full day at full capacity before exhaustion.  Making it was finicky, which is why the only people who could do so were the Arval Brethren (a priestly college of the Roman Empire). When the Arval Brethren disappeared from history, so did Caseus Belli.

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Skunk Urine – Google Docs

Skunk Urine

Description: …it’s urine. From a skunk.  And no, this is not the chemical mix that Terran skunks spray as a defensive tactic.  Many a would-be intergalactic drug smuggler has made this mistake, often with hilarious results.

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Mulholland Drive – Google Docs

The Mulholland Drive

When asked by the press why he named Earth’s first practical FTL engine the ‘Mulholland Drive,’ the Drive’s sole inventor cryptically replied “Because it runs on dead stars.”  …Which is admittedly true enough, but the connection was still not immediately obvious.  Ach, well, genius must be allowed its little jokes.

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Shogosu Kakigori (Frozen Shoggoth) – Google Docs

Shogosu Kakigori (Frozen Shoggoth)

Well… surely not really?  Nonetheless, there’s a chibi shoggoth for a logo, and the ingredients on this single-serve frozen dessert cup say ‘shoggoth’ pretty clearly in Japanese (‘shogosu,’ if you’re wondering).  The cup in question is part of a 12 unit variety pack; Shogosu Kakigori comes in lemon, green tea, melon, and grape flavors, or at least this variety pack does.

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PSI-Armor – Google Docs

PSI-Armor

The good news: PSI-Armor works to boost innate psionic abilities.  It well and truly does, and in a way that leaves no room for doubt.    There are five pieces of PSI-Armor, and each one has its own special abilities:

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