Moe Lane

The Iquique Mount

Description: A fairly gruesome-looking taxidermy full body mount.  The mount itself is humanoid (not even remotely coincidentally resembling a ‘Grey Alien’) in form, with well-preserved skin and glass eyes; the manikin is polyurethane foam over a not-particularly-accurate internal armature.  The Iquique Mount is affixed to a wooden base, with the date “July 18th, 1980” inscribed on it. There is no obvious sign of any sort of fatal wound.

Gravesdigger

Description: varies.  Gravesdigger usually appears as a pistol, revolver, or submachine gun, chambered to fit whatever ammunition is reasonably available in the area.  Like most esoteric firearms, Gravesdigger doesn’t jam, corrode, or misfire; on the other hand, the artifact radiates evil strongly enough that prolonged exposure to it can curdle milk.

Soul-Seeds

Description: a oblong metal hollow tube with a large wooden button at one end.  When pushed, a sharp needle is extended from the other end via a small spring (the process is neither blindingly fast nor painfully slow).  The needle is enchanted with a minor preservation spell; any blood smeared on its surface (from, say, being jabbed into somebody’s flesh) will remain fresh and viable indefinitely.

“The Muppets Sing The Blues”

Description: DVD, circa 1990 – 1993, with matching black plastic case.  Printed on the case’s front are the words “The Muppets Sing The Blues.” The DVD, when plays, will show a movie 124 minutes long; there are no opening or closing credits, or even a title.  Looking at the coding on the DVD provides no hints as to the origin of the film.

Plot: When Fozzie visits his cousin Jake Bearloopy in Joliet Prison, a crazy set of circumstances forces Fozzie and Jake to go on the lam.  Kermit and the gang — very much including Dr Teeth, The Electric Mayhem, and Rowlf — have to go rescue them, then rescue everybody else from the madness that follows Jake in his wake.  Guest stars: Roddie McDowell (Eldritch Haddock, Mad Scientist); Chris Farley (Jethro Jones, aspiring bluesman); Elizabeth Brooks (Sister Perpetua, nun with a heart of steel); and a remarkable number of blues singers and performers, either as themselves or as Muppets.

Weath Turcocl

Description: it looks kind of like a feathery winged turtle, or possibly a feathery winged coconut with a wild-eyed turtle head attached to it.  Weath Turcocl can fly; it’s by definition the fastest winged turtle in existence, able to outspeed a running man. Unfortunately, once it gets going the Weath Turcocl can’t turn worth a damn.

Yes, that’s the name.  A particular reality dreamer read this book at the exact worst, or best time; and so, here we are.  Dealing with the damnable Weath Turcocl. And people wonder why the relevant authorities are so careful with reality dreamers!  This is even worse than when one of the dreamers decided sunsets would be much improved with the addition of the color Surgical Pink.  The fact that she was right is irrelevant; it was still a chore and a half to get everything else in reality smoothed down afterward.

A Judgment of Ravens

350 pages. Publication date: 1973, Ballantine Books.  Author Karen Nightingale. Genre: supernatural romance, with a strong science fictional flavor.

Plot: Clarissa Templeton is a hard-hitting ‘electronic journalist’ who works the DC beat.  She’s just uncovered the biggest scoop of her career, involving a shadowy conspiracy at the heart of Capitol Hill; soon, she’s drawn into a epic battle between forces Clarissa barely comprehends.  She knows that she needs allies, but she also knows that betrayal can come from anyone. So when she meets Connor Mackenzie, CIA officer (who might be an immortal werewolf, or wizard, or something), does she listen to her head, or her heart?

Thacos

[I refuse to believe that nobody has ever thought to make this joke before.  It seems so amazingly obvious, really. – ML]

Description: a small collection of shredded meat mixed with chopped vegetables, well-spiced, well-cooked, and wrapped in a baked flour shell.  Thacos glow with Divine power, Good-aligned: once created, they remain hot and fresh indefinitely; the ingredients will also not fall out of the shell until the Thaco is consumed.  The taste is best described as being, well, extremely tasty spiced meat and vegetables, wrapped in a baked flour shell.

VERONICA

Description: a highly ornate picture frame, about the right size for an eight and a half inch by eleven inch sized piece of paper.  Both the frame and the ‘glass’ are both made out of Bakelite (a synthetic plastic). VERONICA registers as different on esoteric scans, but not really magical.

Powers: looking through the transparent ‘glass’ reveals the True Platonic Form of everything.  Fortunately, the ‘glass’ is cloudy enough that the item being viewed must be touching VERONICA (while still being visible) for the effect to work.  Looking at the Platonic True Form of a living creature for too long is contraindicated.

Yummy-Tummy All-Natural Peanut Butter

You ever notice how many extremely rich people seem to go a little weird about it, and in a particularly reclusive way?  Well, there’s a reason for that, and it’s called ‘Yummy-Tummy All-Natural Peanut Butter.’ The only peanut butter brand ‘on the market’ (heh) that ships its product under other brands’ labels; and doesn’t the company pay well for that particular feature.

Oblatum Solacii

Description: a roughly-filed sphere of brass small enough to be comfortably carried in one hand.  It always feels almost unpleasantly warm to the touch, but this is a psychological reaction, not a physical one.  An Oblatum Solaccii has a minor enchantment on it that prevents it from being casually damaged, but it is not particularly indestructible.  Note that these items absolutely will set off any kind of demon-detection magic.

Powers: An Oblatum Solaccii feeds on grief.  Holding one for at least one minute will allow the user to effectively overcome feelings of sorrow and bereavement; the emotions are still there, but attenuated and oddly powerful. This effect only lasts as long as the item is being held, but even when the old emotions come back they do so at a noticeably lower level.  Regular use can speed the recovery process from a tragic loss. It can also turn the user into a sociopath whose ability to feel connections with others has been permanently burned away, so the artifacts are not often used by the same person regularly.