Aug
20
2017
2

I would watch elephant soccer.

In fact, I would watch elephants generally. Because elephants are neat.  But baby elephants batting around a soccer ball?  That sounds very joyously restful.  You could have yourself a fine old time enjoying their enthusiasm.

[Insert obligatory soccer joke here.  I’d make one, except that I’ve just finished watching a bunch of baby elephants playing soccer.  I’m just not in the mood to be snarky.]

Jun
23
2016
1

‘Fix the car for the boys in green.’

I absolutely KNOW that I must be related to these fine fellows.

(more…)

Jul
02
2014
13

Come, let me show you something terrifying from @KeithOlbermann.

It’s… a reasonable discussion of how to fix American soccer.  Basically, Olbermann is saying… make it more American.

[pause]

Yes, yes, I know.

Jun
26
2014
50

Should America be doing more to fake an interest in soccer?

This is not me mocking the game, per se – it’s just that we’re apparently doing fairly well in the World Cup, so far, and eventually we might actually win one. If and when we do, we should give serious consideration to figuring out how to pretend that America actually cares as much about this accomplishment as the rest of the planet apparently does. Because it’s going to severely annoy every other country in the world if we shrug it off; including the countries we actually like. A little judicious hypocrisy wouldn’t hurt, here.

Just a thought.

Moe Lane

PS: At the very least: if we ever do win a World Cup we should probably agree among ourselves to not needle the rest of the planet (like we do, cheerfully) by calling it ‘soccer.’  At least for a few days. A week, at the most.

Jun
14
2014
18

Before I start rolling my eyes at the World Cup…

…do any of you actually care about it?  Generally speaking, my attitude about soccer is that we should continue to suck at it, because it’s a harmless way for countries to triumph over us in something; but if people actually like the game and care about the results I don’t want to be intentionally rude.  …Well, in this at least.

Mar
19
2012
5

…Words [BZZZT!] fail me.

I hope to God that this got started because somebody bet somebody else that they could get this concept all the way through to production.

It’s the bloated soccer ball that really puts the cap on this particular exercise in the death of individual dignity.  If they used a football or something then you could make the case that playing in this sport was not a tacit condemnation of your poor life choices to date; but the size of the ball tells you The point of the exercise is to film you writhing on the ground in agony from being tazed several times, sir.  The resulting ‘temporary’ neural damage thus means that we need to provide you a ball that your palsied, shaking arms can hope to hold on to – although, honestly? If we thought that we could just get away with simply having people run at and taze each other we wouldn’t even have bothered with the ball.  Apparently, however, even entertainment lawyers have things that they balk at…

Well.  Perhaps words didn’t fail me, after all.

Via AoSHQ.

Jul
11
2010
2

‘Psychic Octopus’ getting death threats?

I shudder at how these people would overreact if there was a real sport involved:

The eight-legged oracle picked Germany’s rival Spain to beat Germany in the quarterfinal, which he was right about, and has now chosen Spain to win the whole World Cup tournament. Germans have reacted by posting death threats and calamari recipes on Twitter and the internet, People reported.The “Psychic Octopus” has correctly predicted the winner in all 7 of Germany’s World Cup matches, including the team’s quarterfinal loss to Spain and their third-place victory of Uruguay. Paul’s powers were first noticed in the 2008 European Championship, when he picked the winner 5 out of 6 times.

Via AoSHQ.  As to the winner of today’s soccer game: who will be less obnoxious about winning? – that’s who should win it.

Moe Lane

PS: No, I recognize that it’s all in good fun.  For that matter, it’s not really a World Cup if there aren’t Americans out there blustering about the essential worthlessness of a sport that they can’t seem to put together a winning team for.  I’m providing a service, here.

Jun
26
2010
--

Psychic soccer octopus.

We can’t really mock them for this: we do equally goofy things for sports that we consider relevant.

A “psychic” octopus is said by its aquarium owners to have predicted the country’s football team will knock England out of the World Cup.

When consulted, Paul the octopus chose a mussel from a jar with the German flag on it ahead of one in a similar jar bearing the cross of St George.

Still, there’s a video.  The Germans are wearing leis.

Moe Lane

PS: I heard that we lost to Ghana.

Well, that’s the idea.

Jun
15
2010
2

Dammit, the soccer thing is perfectly understandable.

Ace and Allah and Stacy* to the contrary.  The real reason why Americans don’t watch or particularly want the damned game is simple:

You can’t use your damned hands to play it unless you’re the damned goalie.

Remember that movie Victory? Yes, the supremely silly one* about the WWII Allied prisoners of war that had a match with the Germans?  Remember how they had to give Sylvester Stallone the goalie position?  And do you know why they did that ?  Because Stallone was an American action hero at the time, and the audience would not accept an American action hero that did not have the use of his hands.

This is just the way that it is.  Soccer is a perfectly fine sport.  For other people.

Moe Lane

*Look, I’m sorry, but shoehorning Pele into that plot was an egregious assault on historical accuracy in a WWII film that was only approached by… well, pretty much everything in U-571… twenty years later.

Jun
05
2010
2

#rsrh Depressing World Cup statistical news.

From Rasmussen:

A new Rasmussen Reports nationwide telephone survey finds that 66% of Adults correctly identify soccer, or football as it’s known outside the United States, as the sport played in the World Cup competition. However, three percent (3%) say it’s all about baseball, and one percent (1%) each think the international teams will be playing tennis, hockey or golf. Twenty-eight percent (28%) are not sure what sport will be played.

66% is far too high – and we really need to get that percentage of the population who think that it’s a golf competition up. It’s absolutely critical for our long-term national security needs; the more people in this country who don’t have a clue what the World Cup is, the fewer people who will get upset when we get our rears kicked by countries like Costa Rica or Ghana.  Dammit, just because it’s a slightly absurd geopolitical safety valve doesn’t mean that it’s not a real one…

May
31
2010
--

Soccer Hero.

I refuse to call it ‘football,’ since I am a cultural chauvinist. And I am a little skeptical of encouraging such goings-on among Americans, given that I firmly believe that world geopolitical security is enhanced by there being at least one sport out there where quite tiny nations can beat the USA like a drum*. Still: this is an impressive enough stunt:

Well done, guys.

Moe Lane

*There is no contradiction between the two statements.
THERE IS NO CONTRADICTION! I AM NOT LISTENING! LALALA… (more…)

Jun
28
2009
--

Apparently, the USA is ahead in its soccer game with Brazil. [UPDATED]

[UPDATE] Crisis averted. Whew!

By two points or dots, or whatever the terminology would be. This is unfortunate, not to mention a violation of the secret provisions of several international treaties: the sport of soccer exists of course for the sole purpose of giving the rest of the world something to feel superior to when it comes to the United States. Beating Brazil at the Worl…

What do you mean, the “Confederation Cup”? They have other competitions besides the World Cup? And we’re stuck with going to them? Who ordered that?

…anyway, obviously this is dangerously close to being a problem at the level of ‘diplomatic incident’ – so I apologize in advance if we win.

Moe Lane

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