My random musings on vampires.

So, Underworld. Not bad for what was effectively five bucks, but a surprising lack of skin for an R-rated vampire flick. The gun-fu wasn’t bad, but it just lacked that certain “let’s talk about your worrisome, yet darkly compelling, sexual hangups” that permeate our modern understanding of the genre.  Not that I watch vampire films for that.  At all.  Ever.  Not me, no how, no way.

Moving along: why don’t vampires ever snack on people that seem, you know, healthy? As in “my breakfast was more than three olives and a picture of a celery stalk” healthy. Either they’ve got this weird thing going about cholesterol, or the side effect of vampirism is apparently going down to three percent body fat and a perpetually sullen, yet stylish, expression. If the latter is true, that means (as has been noted elsewhere) the legions of the Undead are probably missing out on a great long-term financial opportunity.

Lastly: if I ever use Abraham Lincoln as a character in a roleplaying game, he is so totally going to look like this.

Moe Lane

PS: Hey, at least this way I didn’t have to watch the press conference. How many questions did he manage this time? Six?

8 thoughts on “My random musings on vampires.”

  1. There are three groups of people you never want to snack on: Poets, Priests, and Proles.

    Poets because they will sing about you to groups of people and everybody will grab a pitchfork and next thing you know you’re staked to the ground watching a sunrise.

    Priests because they will whip up the rabble and everybody will grab a pitchfork and next thing you know you’re staked to the ground watching a sunrise.

    Proles because they hang out and talk and next thing you know…

    It’s best to snack on the slightly off. The folks who are the human version of the boxes in the discount cart at the back wall of the Safeway.

    “I was snacked on by a vampire!!!”
    “Sure you were, Wendell. Sure you were.”

    The above is a situation that will not lead to torches, pitchforks, nor sunrises.

    Which is probably waaaay too much thought put into an answer to a throwaway question.

  2. My GM also explained to me once: It’s better to go after the old money than new money. The old money types are considered to be “eccentric” when they start talking about people flying about and biting folks.

    The new money folks will get people to say “hey, this guy knows what he’s talking about. He didn’t become a millionaire by being crazy. We should investigate.”

  3. I once had a RPG superhero character named “The Rail Splitter” who was basically a sixty-foot-tall Abe Lincoln with a big ol’ ax.

    Not proud, just sayin’.

  4. ‘Twilight’ isn’t a bad story overall. However, any notion of a vampire being a cursed or dark thing has been totally cleansed from that story to the point of being quaint.

    Oh, whoa is me, I twinkle and sparkle in the sun light, darn! Oh, and I have the constant urge to drink people’s blood,icky icky ick. Oh well, guess lets play some baseball….

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