Yea, verily, this is a sign of the End Times: “On Thursday, Yum Brands — the parent company of KFC, Taco Bell, and Pizza Hut — announced it had entered into a partnership with delivery company Grubhub. The chains’ franchisees will work with Grubhub to roll out online ordering for pickup and delivery in thousands of locations in the coming months.” Why? Well, it’s not that creating this service will go a long way towards removing one of the few remaining reasons why people will leave the house voluntarily. It’s not because turning Grubhub into a monopoly-seeking and potentially obnxiously-ubiquitous service might be on the horizon. It’s not even that if McDonald’s attempts to use Uber to deliver Big Macs fail then my legacy stock in the company might take a nosedive.
No, it’s because this isn’t Popeyes. I could go for some Popeyes chicken right now, in fact. Or maybe Pollo Campero, which is amazingly good and you should be thankful if you have one of those in your area.
It’s apparently a thing.
It’s hard to excerpt this one – I’ve rarely seen sheer self-loathing presented so entertainingly in this one; the author clearly believes that he has failed some obscure moral test by liking the Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco from Taco Bell, and now his job is to convince you of his failure, too – but this probably provides a representative, ah, flavor:
It’s a credit—a terrifying, terrifying credit—to the ingenuity and technical know-how of the people at PepsiCo, that the repurposed military AI responsible for generating their new product ideas is now capable of so convincingly replicating the unbounded stoner-think of Taco Bell’s core consumer base. With a little bit of fine-tuning, eventually this large, monolithic, ominously-humming supercomputer will be able to crank out products targeted perfectly at all sorts of different demographics—DRIED CHERRIES AND GOAT CHEESE FOR THE YOGA MOMS GZZT GZZT—and then it’s just another hop skip and jump to full sentience and the eradication of mankind. The only question is whether consumption of Dorito-sheathed tacos will wipe us out first.
Continue reading The Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco? This is a thing?
Well, I’m kind of torn, here.
On the one hand, it’s a little silly to get bent out of shape because your taste in snack food is being casually mocked in a fifteen second commercial. On the one hand, the commercial is not actually correct: people eat veggie platters at parties and get-togethers all the time, especially when it’s offered in contrast to sugar-based snacks. People don’t mind as long as there’s onion dip. And on the gripping hand: people will probably hate you a little if you bring Taco Bell. If you’re going to go grease, bring some wings.