It’s always about the monkeys, with Frank J. The post-apocalyptic, mutated monkeys.

Frank J. has written an article about the future of the Republican Party for Pajamas Media (man, I need a better agent. Or any agent. Or, possibly, a more realistic appreciation of my skill set) that probably doesn’t need more than the title to tell you what it’s all about: GOP Warlords vs. the Cybernetic Monkey-Men.

Being a daring thinker, Frank has looked upon the future, concluded that it will feature the complete collapse of society, and has planned accordingly:

So what do I propose for a Republican Party that will be relevant in the future? I’m thinking we need to work towards becoming a loose confederation of warlords. In the post-apocalyptic wasteland, resources will be scarce and the strong will crush the weak — and frankly, those are conditions in which Republicans should thrive. The Republican Party will need to cement its rule through force, destroy the weak, and take their resources. Back to basics for the party, really.


So what issues will we be focusing on? Once again, it will be back to the basics of the Republican Party as we tackle our original defining issue: slavery. That’s because the apes will be mutated by radiation into ape-men and will be quite intent on enslaving their former masters, and it will be up to us to oppose them. Also, it’s a little known fact that the anti-piracy software in Microsoft products is programmed so that if it ever loses contact with Microsoft headquarters, the machines will revert to their original programming to destroy all humanity. So we can expect pretty much all machines to turn against us and try to capture and kill us. These are the issues people are going to find important in the near future, and I doubt the Democrats — if they still exist — will have any answers. So Republicans have the potential for lots of gains by taking a strong stance against ape-men and killer robots.

Read the whole thing: it’s precisely this dynamic exercise in outside-the-box thinking that will save the party.

Moe Lane

PS: Actually: seriously, it will – but not for the reason that you’re thinking.

Crossposted to RedState.

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