So you’ve been caught smuggling potato chips into your school.

As in, like, maybe a crate or two?

“There’s a black market,” says Julie Gunlock, who directs the Culture of Alarmism Project at the Independent Women’s Forum in Washington, joking about “kids with trench coats lined with potato chips and other things they can’t get at school.”

“God bless innovation and entrepreneurialism, but that’s not the goal of reforming the school lunch program,” says Ms. Gunlock. “It was intended to get kids to eat their veggies because they like them, but instead it’s created a culture where kids are disgusted by the food because they’re not allowed to flavor it. So, it’s had an opposite effect, and created a much bigger problem.”

We’ve discussed this before – trust me; I’m as mad about the Bad Science Unhappy Meals being served as the students themselves are – but some practical advice might be called for, here. I’ll make it real simple: first, tell your parents to get you a lawyer.  That might stop things right there.

Then, remember: you are not “breaking the rules.” You are doing civil disobedience. You are scared that the school system is in collusion with partisan forces. The school may be doing dangerous things to your body; things that they may be liable for later. Indeed, ‘liable’ is a great word to use when dealing with a school official; use it as much as you can. Make them write out why you’re in trouble. Make them quote the rule. Make them say for the record that they think the rule is a good idea. Get your lawyer to notarize that. Make them say for the record that they personally follow the rules, too.  Hopefully, they’ll have abandoned giving you a hassle long before that point, but one of the great secrets of adulthood is that adults hate getting caught up in stuff like this. Make ’em regret bothering you.

And one more thing? When you vote in your first Presidential election, please remember which political party decided to make your lunchtimes a living Hell for a decade. Spoiler warning: it wasn’t the Republicans. It’s none of my business what you shove in your faces…

Moe Lane


  • Antoninus Pius says:

    Or, if you’re a weak little suck-up, offer to turn informer. Name names. it’s just chips. that’s what life will need to be like later… might as well be a stooge now and learn to ignore your conscience when it might involve blood and lives.

  • Crawford says:

    In high school, we were allowed to leave the school during lunch. Junior high kids weren’t. A friend of mine made a good chunk of cash reselling Pop Rocks.

    • acat says:

      Several of the “for the children!” rules changes happened between me and my older sibling .. open campus high school then .. closed campus when I got there (no going out for lunch!) .. and we’re not *that* far apart.

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