8:30! On CNN! Maybe somebody will drop out! Maybe somebody will declare a Unity ticket! Maybe somebody will pepper spray Corey Lewandowski before he can (allegedly) assault another reporter! We just don’t know!
…When did this election cycle become a reality show? Don’t answer that. I’m not entirely sure I want to know when this fresh Hell of mine popped into existence.
I am doing this for entertainment purposes only.
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I have written little serials of the Democrats at AoSHQ with Bernie Sanders driving the Partridge Family bus on his campaign and Hillary first on her Rascal and then in the sidecar to Huma’s motorcycle.
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Today I went with the Republicans and how I see them in their vehicles now:
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The Republican Party race heads into mid southern eastern northern America – the Far West. A vast plain stretches before the surviving candidates as they gun the engines of their apocalyptic vehicles and race through the wasteland towards who knows where. A large gaudy RV, the gold trim shining in the blazing sun races in the lead, the skulls of clowns and candidates decorating it demonstrating the purpose of the grim figure seated in the throne on top. “When I am done,” he bellows, “this wasteland will be a beautiful resort, walled in and magnificent – the classiest America that has ever stood!” He continues his rants, the loudspeakers bringing his words to those who trail.
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A powerful boat struggles in the wake of the motorhome, the youthful skipper nattily dressed in yachting attire, an attractive woman shouting “Marco – this is a desert! Boats do not work in the desert!”
“It got me Puerto Rico!”
“That’s an island!”
“And Minnesota!”
“Ten thousand lakes!”
“Yo ho ho! Here I come! Batten the hatches, release the spinnaker! Flush the poop deck!”
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An old white jeep wanders all over the place, making abrupt stops and flashing yellow lights. John Kasich leans out the right hand window and scatters campaign leaflets.
“Ohio is key, the heart of it all!”
An aide reminds him that he is behind and losing ground, suggesting that they straighten and floor it.
“I’m the son of a mailman! We have to make our deliveries! Rural Free Delivery!”
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Closest to the RV is a black Trans Am, a single red light swinging from side to side the only color visible. The driver turns on the windshield wipers in an attempt to clear the dust blocking his vision.
“Michael – I mean Ted – that only works when it rains.”
“Well I can’t see right know so it may as well be raining.”
“You aren’t going to win this way, you have to cut the Trumpeter’s lead. Only then will you be king of the Republican Death-Lands.”
“Easier said than done, I’ve let the blowhard speak, I’ve sent other candidates on suicide missions and nothing. You’d think he’d tire of his own voice, but it only makes him stronger, and the others only become a new ornament on his rig.”
A blue pulsing light forms in the air next to him. He asks “Cursor, is that you?”
“No, it’s me – Carly. I can’t hold this form for long but I’m endorsing you. After what he said about my face…”
Ted cuts her off “Thanks and you look wonderful.”
“To stop him you must grab his Golden Scalp Weasel, it is the source of his power. Without that he will go silent and his RV will slow.”
“Of course! The Golden Scalp Weasel! Just like the Sword in the Stone!”
“Actually, it’s more like Samson.”
“Who?”
“Samson. The Bible.”
“Oh yeah – now I remember. He got his hair tangled in a tree.”
“That was Absalom – also The Bible – just get the Golden Scalp Weasel.” The blue light fades out.
Ted downshifts and floors the accelerator, surging ahead.
On the gripping hand, JL8 dropped a new page today, and Ricky Vaughn makes a cameo.
Disclaimer: I am not mocking any candidate – in particular. I mock them all. I love having fun and making jokes, and if I can create a political cartoon with a few words, then I will do that.
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All good will towards humans*, no offense to any true sensibilities.
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Do politicians count as Humans? I mean they can interbreed, but really – human?
These are like the Wacky Races for me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ESi7uGMNaMs
Really.
Ain’t no Penelope Pitstop in it though. Bummer.
As much as I hate to say it, I think Trump sewed the thing up last night.
Naming the elephant in the room (Islam) was Yuge.
And then not backing down when challenged and noting that a lot of Muslims do, in fact, want to destroy us?
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Should it have been?
No.
But when both parties have been actively denying the obvious for about 15 years and attacking anyone rude enough to speak a truth everybody knows?
Then, telling the truth becomes a powerful revolutionary act.
No, I don’t think so. I think – and God knows that I’ve been wrong a lot this cycle – that Cruz came across last night as The Guy Who Is Not Entirely Unlike Trump But Who Is Not In Fact Insane. That’s good for the post-3/15 landscape. I also think that Kasich really is going to win Ohio, because he’s locked that sonuvagun down. And I think that Rubio did well for his Florida prospects last night.
But we’ll see.
Also, there’s that criminal assault complaint being sworn out against Trump’s campaign manager. I dunno if it goes anywhere, but if it does it’s gonna leave a mark.
That’d be .. nice, I think.
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May I ask your opinion on whether Trump has a ceiling?
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Mew
We think so. The folks I follow THINK that he’s not improving as other candidates drop out, but this is a political cycle where certainty goes to die.
True. That was bloody stupid.
But not nearly as stupid as refusing to apologize and calling the reporter a liar with all those witnesses and recording equipment around.