Jan
01
2018
4

Creature seed: Ceteacopters.

When I told my wife about this, she at first thought that lift was accomplished by tying two whales together, and spinning them.  When I pointed out that this was a silly idea — I mean, really, the whales would just start vomiting — she looked at me.  And then she helplessly started to laugh.

Ceteacopters – Google Docs

Ceteacopters

 

History does not record the name of the medieval mage who first looked at a whale, and then at a double samara (otherwise known as a ‘helicopter seed’), and decided that the two should be combined, somehow.  Possibly because History was laughing too hard: first at the concept, and then the exceedingly comic attempts to execute it.  For some reason, Northern European mages and monarchs were obsessed at the idea of making a whale take off, hover in the air, and then touch down in a specific and precise location.  

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Dec
23
2017
2

Item Seed: The Apotropaic Ambulatory Groundcover Swamp Beet.

Apotropaic Ambulatory Groundcover Swamp Beet – Google Docs

Blame this.

 

Apotropaic Ambulatory Groundcover Swamp Beet

(Beta vulgaris subsp. palus daemonium occisio)

 

This particular cultivar should be distinguished from non-magical variants of cultivated beetroot. It shares a common ancestor (the sea beet, or Beta vulgaris subsp. maritima), but was specifically bred for reasons besides taste.  In fact, while Swamp Beets are edible they are not palatable; the leaves and root both share an unpleasantly meaty taste and texture.  The juice is also both unpleasant smelling, and tasting — and cooking does not improve the flavor or smell.

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Dec
19
2017
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Item Seed: Frankenstein Thread.

Frankenstein Thread – Google Docs

Frankenstein Thread

 

Frankenstein Thread is a magically-treated silk thread originally used to patch up Undead, constructs, patchwork golems, and other Abominations of Mad Science or Magic.  It’s very thin, but surprisingly easy to manipulate — and almost impossible to accidentally break.  And it can be used on anything: blood vessels, brains, sinews, limbs, entire torsos. If it can be sewn together, it will be, with no loss of function or bodily fluids.  It can even sew Undead flesh onto a living body without it immediately turning into what necromancers euphemistically call an Unfortunate Incident, although no reputable or ethical necromancer would actually do something like that anyway. At least, not anymore, in this new era where the prejudices and misunderstandings of previous generations no longer holds sway.

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Dec
17
2017
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Location Seed: Gamma Lunae Coloniam.

Gamma Lunae Coloniam – Google Docs

Gamma Lunae Coloniam

 

Well, that’s what’s inscribed on the buildings and mosaics.  Not that anybody’s found Gamma Lunea Coloniam: it’s nestled in a lunar pit in the Mare Ingenii, which is located on the dark side of the moon.  So it may be a while before anybody goes to look at it.

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Dec
14
2017
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Creature Seed: the Icelandic Reedhaunter.

Blame this.

Icelandic Reedhaunter – Google Docs

Icelandic Reedhaunter

 

The Icelandic Reedhaunter is not precisely Undead.  Instead, its favored habitats are swamps saturated with necromantic energy, which means that the bird’s feathers and epidermis are Undead.  The Reedhaunter itself is a thoroughly inoffensive small brown bird from the order Passeriformes that eats death-aspected seeds and zombie insects.  They have, as one might expect, no particular natural predators; but the species’ fertility is very low (as one might also expect).  

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Dec
11
2017
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Item Seed: The Alexandria Prototype.

Alexandria Prototype – Google Docs

The Alexandria Prototype

Simply put, the Alexandria Prototype is a flintlock rifled musket that can be reliably dated to the First Century AD. It’s made out of bronze and wood, used something around .80 caliber lead balls, and the gunpowder residue has an unique composition to it, but the basic gun design is sound enough.  The Prototype was found last year in a hitherto unknown tomb or subterranean complex; it had been preserved as well as first-century technology could manage, and the gun itself could probably even still fire, if anybody was daft enough to try.

But there isn’t anything otherwise intrinsically special about the Prototype.  It is merely a weapon about a thousand years before its time, presumably designed and created by a single unsung genius, and for whatever reason the Roman Empire never got ahold of a copy to duplicate it. Those researchers cleared for the Prototype have tentatively concluded that it must have been seen by the locals as a potent magic weapon to be feared, and not a mechanism to be duplicated. Or possibly it was an assassination tool. Or maybe it was never actually fired, beyond testing purposes? Certainly there’s been a lot of research of surviving artifacts from that time period to see if there are any hints as to the Prototype’s ‘story.’  However, no clues are yet forthcoming. (more…)

Dec
09
2017
8

Item Seed: The Caramelizator.

Caramelizator – Google Docs

The Caramelizator

This handy-dandy device caramelizes onions. To operate, simply fill the hopper at the front of the Caramelizator with chopped onions, pull the trigger — well, yes, it has a trigger. Well, sure, that does make it look like a gun. OK, fine, the entire thing looks like a 1950s movie ray gun with a big ball on one end. But the ball is there just to hold the onions. And before you ask: good luck trying to yank that sucker off.

And even if you could get the ball off, what’s the point? The Caramelizator is such a low-power item it runs on batteries. It can’t be plugged into a wall — YOU MUST ABSOLUTELY NOT ADAPT IT TO LET IT BE PLUGGED IT INTO A WALL, LEST IT VIOLATE YOUR WARRANTY — so if you pull off the ball all you’ll have then is a defective, broken Caramelizator. Although the odd blue light that you can now see coming from inside the device might at least prove interesting. And… oddly tanning. (more…)

Dec
08
2017
1

Location Seed: The Museum of Natural Disasters.

Museum of Natural Disasters – Google Docs

The Museum of Natural Disasters

(Sioux City, Nebraska)

If anybody looked very closely at the Museum of Natural Disasters’ books — mind you, nobody has been allowed to do that since 1958 — they’d be confused at how the museum manages to stay in operation.  It’s not a bad museum, you understand.  It’s a perfectly good kid-friendly institution that helps teach natural science via fanciful and exciting dynamic exhibits.  Which is a fancy way of saying that the museum educationally blows things up for kids.

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Dec
07
2017
1

Adventure Seed: ‘The Children of Elf and Orc.’

Children of Elf and Orc – Google Docs

The Children of Elf and Orc

 

It is said that, “When the child of Elf and Orc comes into its own, the world will shake and the sky will burn.”  Of course, it is usually said in tones of utter disbelief, because one of the laws that the gods set down for the world is this: the demihuman races cannot mate with each other. People have tried to get around the problem — in every conceivable way — but there isn’t a magic or miracle or mechanism that can accomplish the job.  Humans can mate with pretty much everyone, but other than that it’s strictly ‘procreate within your own species.’

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Oct
30
2017
2

Item Seed: Tim Burton’s Scary Christmas (1993).

Tim Burton’s Scary Christmas (1993) – Google Docs

Tim Burton’s Scary Christmas (1993)

Description: A standard movie DVD and case, apparently printed in 2003.  The full title is Tim Burton’s Scary Christmas: Tenth Year Anniversary Edition.  The cover shows an animated Santa Claus wearing a skeleton mask; beneath is the legend “Boo Boo Boo.”

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Oct
25
2017
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Adventure Seed: the Kingdoms of the Harvested Meat Map.

Kingdoms of the Harvested Meat Map – Google Docs

Kingdoms of the Harvested Meat Map

Physical Description: a wrinkled, somewhat used page with an outline map of the United States of America printed on it.  The Kingdoms of the Harvested Meat Map is further annotated, in a highly bizarre fashion.  What appears to be crude boundary outlines are scrawled on the map in blue, a variety of outlandish and unsavory names are written in red, and a large number of green dots are scattered throughout the map. (more…)

Oct
22
2017
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Magic Seed: Skinburn.

Skinburn – Google Docs

Skinburn

 

It’s all the rage in modern demonology and/or necromancy. The old pacts and promises and deals are really so passe. Why sign over your soul in one fell swoop when you can do it on the installment plan?

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