Moving along!
Friday, 11 AM: It was a little late for breakfast, but the diner still had the morning paper. And my story was on the front: DECALOGUE KILLER SMITES AGAIN! I figured it would be — I had rushed to get the copy to the night editor before the print run started — but it’s always nice to see virtue rewarded.
DECALOGUE KILLER SMITES AGAIN!
By Joe Boyden
Last night, a seedy alley revealed the final resting place of a local businessman, new victim of the so-called “Decalogue Killer.” The victim, whose name is being withheld, was come across by a Bay City police patrol in the notorious Greenbay district. There were no witnesses, but a single gray feather — the infamous trademark of the Decalogue Killer — was pulled from the victim’s broken body. Bay City police refused to discuss the case, or any leads.
This is the seventh victim of the Decalogue Killer in three months…
I shook my head at the night editor. I had carefully put in a caveat or two, but tabloid sensitivities had won out over mine. Besides, the night editor was right. It was obviously the Killer, so why keep the lawyers happy?
– ‘the final resting place of a local businessman, new victim of the so-called “Decalogue Killer.” ‘: either replace the “new” with “now”, or add an article in there or something. There’s something about that bridge that doesn’t quite work.
– “was come across by”: something about making “come across” passive doesn’t really work – possibly because it’s sort of passive to begin with. “was discovered by”, perhaps?
– “was pulled from”: is passive. Doesn’t need to be. You’re channeling a newspaper reporter who’s dashing off a murder report for the front page. You can afford to go a bit purple with it. “sat atop” or “marked” might work here, and I suspect that there are better choices.