I restarted this. Not enough action, not enough establishment of the setting, not enough indication that the viewpoint character is not a very nice person. That part will become important, later.
2150 AD
Louisiana
The cultist had taken at least three concussion rounds by now, and was still gnawing on Special Agent Norm Baker’s upper arm guard. Worse, the old bastard was actually leaving bite marks. Norm knew cultists got themselves hopped up quick on some heinous crap when the Federal Security Bureau dropped in, but they weren’t supposed to froth at this stage of a raid. That came later.
The cultist smelled, too. Like filthy teeth and rotten soul, Norm thought distantly as he used the butt of his pistol to hammer at the cultist’s jaw until he heard something pop. As the pressure on his arm suddenly eased, Norm took a step back and gave the cultist a quick kick in the ribs. Two more steps back after that, he carefully aimed and fired two rounds squarely into the cultist’s guts. He wanted to put those two in the head, naturally, but the FSB took prisoners these days. All part of the New System the USNA brass were pushing now.
Norm wasn’t sure how he felt about it. A lot of the old ways weren’t all that great, but… In the old days, we’d have done this at 3 AM, he thought.
I agree that the change was worthwhile. I’m not sure how I feel about the first-to-third person narrator switch.