Blame this.
Hypercomma
When humanity finally made it out into the wider universe, it came as a mildly unpleasant shock to discover that there were any number of esoteric ways to get eaten. Bug-eyed monsters, humanity could understand. Bug-eyed monsters, humanity was prepared for*. But sentient languages that parasite people’s brains? How does that even work?
Alas, the details on how that works is at least two, three quantum levels of theoretical understanding past anyone likely to read this. Suffice it to say that at least one species exists as an organized memetic linguistic pattern (which humans call ‘Hypercommas,’ in what is widely considered to be one of the more inappropriate puns in existence) which takes over people’s heads and operates the wetware until it expires. And then the Hypercomma finds another body, and the cycle continues. Each Hypercomma also can coordinate with another through [INSERT MEANINGLESS TECHNICAL PHRASE HERE BECAUSE, AGAIN, A DISPARITY OF TWO TO THREE QUANTUM LEVELS’ WORTH OF THEORETICAL UNDERSTANDING], thus giving the species the opportunity to communicate and coordinate over interstellar distances.
Fortunately for humanity, by the time our species joined the Galactic community a… mutually beneficial relationship had been established. Turns out that Hypercommas are happy to restrict their own population growth; and it turns out that most galactic species have any number of incorrigible criminals that deserve the death penalty. So the criminals get fed to the Hypercommas, and in exchange the Hypercommas passes along messages instantaneously. It’s technically not real-time communication, but computational speeds and programming languages are so efficient on the galactic level that only the most advanced mentalities can detect any real lag.
Humans were, of course, horrified by all of this. But at the same time? …Well, they had incorrigible criminals, too. And better be in a position where the Hypercomma situation was a situation, and not a problem, yes?
*Ironically, out of the fiftyish bug-eyed monster races that humanity has encountered to date, roughly forty-eight or so are at least tolerable. And twenty or so of those are in fact pretty friendly trading partners, not to mention military allies against the bug-eyed monster races that are obnoxious.
Good Lord, man; you don’t play around when you’re trying to catch up on your posting.
I’m pretty sure the if the Internet achieved sentience it would take a form similar to this, with Memes and earwom-formulized music as its chief tools of propagation.
Yes, we were ready for the bug-eyed monsters, metal slugs worked on them like it does everything else. What we weren’t ready for was the Cute Cuddly Throat Rippers. What the Rippers as they’re now known, weren’t ready for was Humaniti’s non-sapient allied species. That dogs and cats would act to protect us was a known quantity and expected. That the other allied species were ready, able and more than willing to engage in the extinction wars was not.
That Honeybees would sting the Rippers to death was expected especially given the Rippers desire for Honey. That Horses would run them down and trample them, that goats would gore them, that pigs would hunt out their nests and eat their young like the best truffles was unepected. That even such docile animals as chickens and sheep would go out of their way to kill them was at best an unexpected development.
When Humans colonized Planet X, Nicknamed the “The Biohazard Planet” the aliens sat back and waited for the inevitable bloody result. When the human colony was still there three years later the aliens were shocked. When the humans were still there five years later the aliens were even more shocked when we declared the various Ripper species endangered. And they were positively appalled when we declared the various Ripper species extinct 10 years later.
To be fair much of the extinction wars were carried out by Humaniti’s hangers on species Rats, Rabbits, Raccoons, cockroaches and mosquitoes.
For a while after Humaniti’s successful colonization of Planet X Terran species such as the horses, cows, sheep, dogs and cats became a rage among galactic civilizations. Aliens that couldn’t ride a horse still wanted to own them, aliens that couldn’t digest milk or cheese still wanted to own goats and cows.
Two species humans refused to sell however were chickens and honeybees. Humanity learned very early on that Honey and Eggs were essentially gold mines when it came to trade with alien species.
One of the more unsettling aspects of the human species for many alien races is their ability to walk into the wilderness of alien planets and emerge with an easily cultivatable species. Normally this is a flowering plant but occasionally it’s a species that is dangerous. The Gygax is a good example, a large feline carnivore that has since become a staple of many human homes. The fact that they treat dogs and cats as friends and allies is not lost on Humaniti’s enemies. No one wants to pick a fight with a species that can turn your planet against you.
Nice callback, there. 🙂