Tag: vampires

My random musings on vampires.

So, Underworld. Not bad for what was effectively five bucks, but a surprising lack of skin for an R-rated vampire flick. The gun-fu wasn’t bad, but it just lacked that certain “let’s talk about your worrisome, yet darkly compelling, sexual hangups” that permeate our modern understanding of the genre.  Not that I watch vampire films for that.  At all.  Ever.  Not me, no how, no way.

Moving along: why don’t vampires ever snack on people that seem, you know, healthy? As in “my breakfast was more than three olives and a picture of a celery stalk” healthy. Either they’ve got this weird thing going about cholesterol, or the side effect of vampirism is apparently going down to three percent body fat and a perpetually sullen, yet stylish, expression. If the latter is true, that means (as has been noted elsewhere) the legions of the Undead are probably missing out on a great long-term financial opportunity.

Lastly: if I ever use Abraham Lincoln as a character in a roleplaying game, he is so totally going to look like this.

Moe Lane

PS: Hey, at least this way I didn’t have to watch the press conference. How many questions did he manage this time? Six?

God help me, I’ve seen most of these films.

Cracked Topics: Vampires. Generally spot-on, except that the author left out Innocent Blood. A serious omission: the combination of vampires and mobsters in the same movie is sufficiently rare to be worth noting.

Also: I haven’t actually seen any of the Otherworld films, on the grounds that there’s some suggestion that White Wolf should have gotten a cut. Any of them any good?

If your school has to issue a press release denying your vampire problem…

[UPDATE] Welcome, Instapundit readers.  Yes, this is a real story.

…then it’s pretty clear: you have a vampire problem.

Headmaster: No Vampires At Our School
Boston Latin H.S. Tries To Quash Rumors

BOSTON — The headmaster of one of the city’s most prestigious exam schools is dealing with an unusual rumor sweeping student classrooms.

There are no vampires at Boston Latin School, says headmaster Lynne Moone Teta.

Seriously.

Yeah. Damn right you saw this movie. We all did. And we all know what happens next: there’s going to be a few more people gone, and then there’s going to be a couple more, and there’s going to be some conveniently-upcoming big shindig and the bloodsucking fiends are going to be converging en masse on the conveniently-stake-free walking smorgasbord. Just like clockwork.

Well, I’m here to properly help. Not to try to tell you why there are no vampires, really: if there aren’t any, why bother telling you? No, I’m here to tell you what to do when one of the gore-lusting leeches comes smashing through the walls looking for your precious bodily fluids.
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