Feb
01
2017

This Conan Exiles video game article will unleash your inner 13 year old male. (Links NSFW!)

Why?  Well, because of this (DO NOT CLICK THAT LINK WHILE YOU ARE AT WORK, unless your boss has a similarly low sense of humor) reveal: “While no Early Access launch date was given for Conan Exiles, this open world survival game features a character creation menu which allows players to choose which level of nudity they want, and there is also an “endowment slider,” where players can decide how large or small their character’s penis is, or, for the female characters, how large or small their breasts are.” …And then, just in case you were wondering whether they were exaggerating in any way, shape or form, the author provided some handy pictures.  And some animations from the game demonstrating the, ah, physics involved.  Apparently, you can adjust the clothing levels, from tasteful to, well, nekkid.

Some thoughts, in no particular order:

  • This is, contra the article, not the first time that players were given a slider bar for male anatomy in a major video game.  Saint’s Row 3 did it, although they covered all of that stuff up. I think. I never got past the first few hours of the game, mostly I think because there were small children around and I didn’t want any of them to spontaneously combust.
  • It’s so nice to see the Skyrim modding community getting work, is it not?  Or at least some validation.  Somewhere, somebody’s watching that video and yelling “See?  SEE?!?”
  • Let us be honest: if there’s a fantasy IP that supports casual nudity at every level possible and known to man, it’s gonna be Conan.  That and Barsoom, but ERB’s stuff was more about adventures than sex.  So you can’t really ding them for going with this: they’ll just say the names “Boris Vallejo” and “Frank Frazetta,” and lo! Your argument becomes invalid.
  • Entertainingly, this story had pretty much no impact on my ongoing quandary on whether to get Conan Exile’s early release.  I’m a fan of the Conan stories, but I’m leery of buying the game a year early and then doing the company’s exploding bug detection for it.  I mean, it’s not like I’m getting paid for it.
  • …I can play a mage, right? Because I always play a mage.

9 Comments

  • Belcatar says:

    I imagine playing a mage would create all kinds of jokes about rods, staffs and wands.

    • JAB says:

      And crystal balls.

      Weren’t mages in the Conan stories nearly always the bad guy?

      • Luke says:

        Nearly?
        I’m having trouble coming up with a single example when that wasn’t the case. Maybe Red Nails, where the insane mage was homicidal, but it was mostly justified.

  • Luke says:

    I thought you always played a bard?

  • junior says:

    I’ve been paying some attention to the game, though I haven’t bought into the early access. I knew there was nudity (it was mentioned in the final dev stream, which is the only one I’ve seen), though the fact that you can adjust male genital size was a surprise (found out about it while trying to look up information on the Conan board game, which I played – and enjoyed – for the first time today). Breast sliders are, of course, fairly old news at this point.

    Playing a sorcerer is supposed to eventually be an option, though it will supposedly require a lot of work to become one. I don’t think it’s presently in the early access, however.

  • Cameron says:

    Surprised no one has made this comment:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgRE6BPhN2I

RSS feed for comments on this post.



Site by Neil Stevens | Theme by TheBuckmaker.com