Yes. Actual cows. It was not the most serious of writeups.
Ronald, Prince of Cows – Google Docs
Ronald
Djinn Prince of Cows
The world…
(Stops and points)
Cow.
Every organization has them, you know. Those who just don’t fit in properly. Those who just can’t get it. Those who can’t get a grip on reality, no matter how hard they try. You know: idiots.
Normally, Hell just vaporizes them, but sometimes that pleasant pastime isn’t very practical. Nepotism, favoritism, political realities conspire to keep some incompetents alive and kicking, long after they should have been rendered down to their component Forces. Hell, being a very pragmatic place, has worked out a method for dealing with these useless demons.
They give them to Ronald.
Dissonance
Servitors of Cows don’t have to support cows, but they do have to keep them visible in the public eye. They must, every day, promote the concept of cows among others. Anything that causes people to think about cows counts, from poetry about cows, discussions about cows, cow jokes, convincing someone to eat beef, buying cow refrigerator magnets in mass quantities; the list goes on and on. Use of the Bovilepsy Attunement (see below), however, does not count.
Organization
Servitors of Cows act about as well as one would expect from a bunch of has-beens, never-weres, incompetents with connections, and the just plain unlucky. Ronald would like to have more effective servants, but five thousand years of being the dumping ground for every fool and drone in Hell has made his organization practically useless. The mere threat of a transfer to Ronald’s organization is a potent motivational tool, and many of the other Demon Princes use it with some regularity. Those demons that Ronald himself creates are more useful, but they quickly get infected with the same bad habits that are stereotypically associated with a Servitor of Cows.
On the plus side, Servitors of Cows aren’t hassled too much by the Game (not even Asmodeus takes them seriously), and those few Servitors of Ronald’s who actually show competence can expect great rewards. Comparatively great rewards, that is: when all is said and done, they work for a minor Prince who obsesses over bovines. Justified pride is a precious thing indeed among Servitors of Cows.
Band Attunements
Note that many of these Attunements feature automatic successes of resonance rolls: in all such cases, roll anyway for the Check Digit, and Interventions. Also note that “cows” denotes male and female cattle; bison and oxen are also possible, but require a normal resonance roll.
Balseraph (Restricted)
Liars of Cows are the happiest of Ronald’s Servitors, as they can quickly deceive themselves that they have a worthwhile, meaningful existence. Balseraphs serving Cows also automatically succeed in their resonance rolls against humans, provided that the lie is about a cow.
Djinn (Restricted)
Djinn can always successfully attune to cows (including Hellcows), without fear of dissonance if the subject is harmed.
Calabite (Restricted)
Calabim of Cows may roll against Precision Roll to mask damage done by their resonance as instead coming from the attack of a cow. Soldiers and celestials may see through this illusion if they make a Perception roll. Of course, seeing what looks like the aftermath of a cattle stampede in Manhattan might still make witnesses suspicious.
Habbalite (Restricted)
Habbalah of Cows may use their resonance on cattle. Usually they choose to inflict Fury, although those with a particularly warped sense of humor substitute Love instead.
Lilim (Restricted)
Lilim of Cows are fairly rare. Then again, Ronald only gives them the ability to detect Needs and collect Geas from cows, which might have something to do with it.
Shedite (Restricted)
Shedim may possess cows, and need not corrupt them in the process. This is not considered particularly useful, but Ronald has little use for Shedim anyway.
Impudite (Restricted)
The Taker may Charm and Drain cattle. This Band is also not favored of Ronald. Some Impudites have chosen suicide rather than work for Cows.
Servitor Attunements
Bovilepsy
This Attunement allows a demon to spend one Essence in order to distract one person for one combat round. The demon must point somewhere in the distance and intone the word “Cow:” the target will automatically look, which will effectively waste his attack. Once this has been used on someone, the Attunement may not be used for another minute. However, once it has been successfully used on someone, that unfortunate target must make a Will +2 roll for an entire day whenever anyone points and intones the word “Cow:” failure causes him to succumb as above. The Will Roll is at -2 if the target is actually pointing at a cow.
“You Want Fries with That?”
For 4 Essence, the demon may take a burger or other beef product and attune to it. For the next week, the demon may automatically use his or her resonance on the person who eats it, at whatever range, once. The demon may attune to only one person in this manner at a time.
Distinctions
Knight of the Herd
Cows react to the Demon at +3. This includes Hellcows (potential and actual), but not Brightcows.
Captain of Bovines
These demons always know where the nearest herd of cattle are, and may summon all cows within a five-mile radius to a particular point. Actually controlling them after that is another story.
Cattle Baron
Cattle Barons are actually recognized as about the only competent Servitors Ronald has, and even then they don’t get the same respect of other Barons. They may lead herds of people, rather than cows: once per day, a Cattle Baron may lead a number of humans equal to 10x his total Forces anywhere he wishes to go, for one half hour. The humans must not be paying attention to their surroundings (rush hour commuters are particularly vulnerable to this ability). Symphonically aware humans get to make a Will Roll. While under the effect of this ability, the human is oblivious to anything going on into the background, but will snap out of it if attacked or purposefully grabbed.
Superior Relations
None of the other Princes actively oppose Ronald, because why bother? He’s formidable in his own area of interest, but almost meaningless outside of it. Besides, his area of interest begins and ends with cows. It’s beneath everyone else’s dignity to battle him. The Seraphim Council pretty much take the same position: angels are, of course, expected to oppose all Princely attacks — even Ronald’s — but they aren’t exactly driven to confront Servitors of Cows.
There’s one major exception on each side. Saminga, the Demon Prince of Death, is strangely drawn to someone who has as little use for humans as he does — and so is Jordi, Archangel of Animals. Of course, the latter doesn’t work with Ronald, but neither is he ready to oppose him at any cost. For Saminga’s part, Ronald’s policy of turning his Hellcows into Undead is merely a sign that the Prince of Cows has a firm grasp on reality. Mammon and Vapula also find Ronald interesting to work with, for completely different reasons.
Allied: Saminga
Associated: Mammon, Vapula
Neutral: Everyone Else
Hostile: No one (Ronald is Hostile to every Demon Prince not listed above, but it rarely matters)
Andrealphus: “Minority taste. Leather, on the other hand, is so useful, in so many ways. Outside of those two areas, I almost never deal with him at all. Fine by me.” “Cows have mating seasons, and don’t waste their time with Lust. He’s not important.”
Asmodeus: “Assigning my agents to investigate his Servitors always seems to usefully motivate their coworkers. I can’t remember the last time a Servitor of Cows actually went Renegade. I suspect that many of them don’t have the imagination or brains necessary to even contemplate treason.” “Cows don’t commit treason. None of my Servitors succumb to that human weakness, either. I see no reason to fear him.”
Baal: “Once every century, I might actually need one of his Hellcows to play a peripheral role in a minor battle. When that happens, he becomes marginally important to me. At any other time, he’s merely a useful punishment detail.” “He kills a lot of humans, but he lets some live, too. He should work on eradicating that tolerance. Cows get killed in wars, after all.”
Beleth: “Scaring a cow is so easy that it’s usually not worth it. Reminding my servants and minions of this by assigning incompetents to Ronald helps them experience Fear on a more personal level. Outside of that, who cares?” “She likes to scare humans, so why doesn’t she scaring them to death? I think that, deep down, she actually cares about them: cares enough to keep them around to play with, at least Once humanity dies, she won’t be able to play her sophisticated games with cows: they’re too stable for that.”
Belial: “Cows explode really nicely. Funny, you’d think that he’d object to that more.” “He has this habit of blowing up cows. If it wasn’t for the fact that he does it to kill humans, and to make them fear cows more, I would do something about that. Sometimes one must make sacrifices for the Herd.”
Haagenti: “Mmmmmm… cow. Keep them coming: I guess that Ronald helps with that, and if I ate him, then I’d have to assign some Servitors to do his job. Not worth my time and effort, although I won’t ship off my culls to him. I’ve got better uses for them.” “He doesn’t appreciate cows: he just finds them tasty. Cows appreciate their meals, so I’m not surprised that he’s an even worse threat to them than humanity.”
Kobal: “I’m torn. He’s such a perfect straight man: sober, driven to an absolutely useless Word, and completely oblivious to his own meaninglessness. On the other hand, I know that there’s a spark of satire and irony underneath it all. Way deep underneath it all, but it’s there. Nobody that stuffy could have ever come up with Bovilepsy. I don’t send him my rejects: I just send him those who need the instruction that he unwittingly teaches so well. Sure, I could do it myself, but why duplicate the effort?” “Cows never laugh. Cows never tell jokes. Humans do both, and they often find cows objects of ridicule. I fail to see how humans can feel so superior, and the only useful thing I see about Kobal is that his jokes are often fatal to mortals.”
Kronos: “While cows have Fates, the situation is such that most have already achieved them by the time of their birth. They are born, grow to a certain age, then are killed, eaten, and have their skin turned into clothing. Ronald is redundant. However, his secondary role as an unwitting agent of punishment can be convenient, at times.” “Cows never worry about their Fates, but Kronos is willing to drag as much of humanity to Hell as he can, so I find him less annoying than some.”
Lilith: “It’s amazing how he’s managed to survive this long, considering that he barely acknowledges the value of anything that’s not relevant to his Word. I find him boring, and I know he feels the same way about me. And besides, who cares about the Needs of a cow? It’s not like you can get anything out of filling them.” “In the end, Lilith is just like all other humans: that is to say, better dead. After they go, so will she, and cows will placidly graze on the grass that springs from her burial mound.”
Mammon: “Cows equaled wealth for so long, and Ronald acts if that was still true. He seems to think that I understand the worth of his Word: I don’t, particularly, but I’m not about to tell him that. He can be handy, provided that you can work a cow into the scenario somewhere.” “At least he encouraged humanity to value cows, although he didn’t go far enough. Wealth used to mean ‘lots and lots of cows’. I will be happy to help him bring back those wonderful days, although that’s only the first step. Humanity must not only value cows, they must learn to value cows’ lives above their own…”
Malphas: “A useful whip with which to lash my servants to their work, and absolutely useless in every other way. Still, expecting a whip to be anything other than a whip is pointless.” “There are no factions in the Herd. There is a leader, and followers. Followers may challenge the leader, but only to make sure that the leader is worthy. There is nothing for him to latch on to with cows, and that must drive him insane.”
Nybbas: “Cows aren’t sexy, and only hip in an ironic, post-modern sort of way. They also don’t watch television. However, everybody else seems to find him useful, so I don’t rock the boat. Now, if he’d encourage humans to put TVs in barns, I might return his calls. “He wastes so much time and effort trying to force humanity into a mental and spiritual state that is a pale imitation of the bliss available to any cow. It’s amazing how stubbornly he keeps trying to work with such inferior material.”
Saminga: “He’s actually kind of amusing, and he certainly has his head straight about humanity. Besides, anybody who can come up with a vampire cow is all right in my book.” “Saminga’s research has been invaluable to my protection of cows, and he hates, hates, hates to see live humans. We work well together.”
Valefor: “There’s no sport in stealing cows anymore. I mean, even a hundred years ago, it could be fun, but what’s the point these days? I send over my more archaic idiots to Ronald, when I don’t just kill them. It encourages the others to stay on top of current events.” “Cows do not steal, and there is nothing to steal from them except their mortal shells. He will become meaningless after humanity passes on, and I won’t miss him a bit.”
Vapula: “I have to admit, at first I was skeptical about him. But then we started talking about the possibilities. Genetically engineered cows, mutant cows, cyber-cows, cows with built in weaponry — the list is endless! I find that working on cows makes for a quite refreshing change sometimes.” “He doesn’t spend enough time on the really important projects, but at least Vapula takes me seriously. I’m sure that someday I’ll be able to convince him to redirect his efforts in favor of cows.”
Role in the War
If it has four legs and moos, or it’s a plan to kill off humanity, Ronald is interested: otherwise, he could care less. The Prince of Cows sticks to what he considers priorities.
Reconciling Ronald’s love of cows and his seeming indifference to an individual cow’s survival may confuse outside observers, but it should be remembered that the Prince of Cows has no fear that the species that defines his Word will become extinct any time soon. Trading a cow for a bunch of humans is, to him, a fair deal. Ronald treats cows like Archangels treat humans: noble and precious creations of God that, regrettably, must be occasionally sacrificed for the greater good.
With all this said, Servitors of Cows on the corporeal plane have two goals: they are to promote cows as the ideal creature, and they are to try at the same time to thin the human herd. They usually aren’t very good at either: partially because Ronald doesn’t give them very good tools, but mostly because if they were at all competent, they wouldn’t be working for the Prince of Cows.
Rites:
- Assist in the birth of a calf.
- Make someone obsess about cows.
- Kill someone, using a cow.
Chance of Invocation: 1
Modifiers:
+1 A cow.
+2 10 cows.
+3 100 cows.
+4 1000 cows.
+5 A human being recently trampled to death by a herd of cows.
+6 10,000 cows.
History and Personality
Ronald has had his Word for a thousand years, and was inexplicably made a Prince about three hundred years after that. It’s possible that it was originally one of Lucifer’s little jokes, and that the later utility of Ronald’s organization to Hell was merely a fortuitous side effect. He’s certainly not been setting the world on fire since he stopped being just another Djinn of Greed and started being a power of Hell.
Ronald is fairly unique among Djinn in that he truly cares about something other than himself, passionately and unselfishly. Unfortunately, what he cares about are cows. And bulls too, of course: he’s also fond of oxen, bison and water buffaloes. But there’s a special place in his Heart, and it’s filled with the image of a four-legged black and white ruminant with multiple stomachs.
To Ronald, cows are the noblest of all corporeal creatures. They are, in fact, perfect: they eat, they digest, and they enrich the soil. Cows don’t whine, they don’t bother you with petty concerns, they don’t get all moody over philosophy or metaphysics. All they do is wander around and eat grass. If a Djinn had to be corporeal, he’d pick being a cow in a heartbeat.
Of course, there are those out there who prey on these worthiest mortal creations of God, and that bothers Ronald. He can understand a normal predator/prey relationship, really: without predators, there would soon be a huge number of cows, then there would be no more grass, which would soon mean no more cows. This is, of course, completely unacceptable. But humans go far beyond their natural role (a role that other species can do quite well, really) of serving as a check on the bovine population. They’ll simply have to go.
Admittedly, Ronald hasn’t been too successful, given the sorry trash he has to work with, but Djinn are patient. Someday the other Princes will come to their senses and share his vision of an Earth of endless plains, endless grass, and the Herd.
Someday.
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