And here you thought ‘Archie vs. the Punisher’ plumbed the depths of gonzo.

Goodness gracious. Riverdale may actually be absurd enough for me to watch. I did not see that coming:

“As a new school year begins, the town of Riverdale is reeling from the recent, tragic death of high school golden boy Jason Blossom — and nothing feels the same… Archie Andrews is still the all-American teen, but the summer’s events made him realize that he wants to pursue a career in music — not follow in his dad’s footsteps—despite the sudden end of his forbidden relationship with Riverdale’s young music teacher, Ms. Grundy. Which means Archie doesn’t have anyone who will mentor him — certainly not singer Josie McCoy, who is only focused on her band, the soon-to-be-world-famous Pussycats. It’s all weighing heavily on Archie’s mind — as is his fractured friendship with budding writer and fellow classmate Jughead Jones. Meanwhile, girl-next-door Betty Cooper is anxious to see her crush Archie after being away all summer, but she’s not quite ready to reveal her true feelings to him. And Betty’s nerves – which are hardly soothed by her overbearing mother Alice aren’t the only thing holding her back. When a new student, Veronica Lodge, arrives in town from New York with her mother Hermione, there’s an undeniable spark between her and Archie, even though Veronica doesn’t want to risk her new friendship with Betty by making a play for Archie. And then there’s Cheryl Blossom… Riverdale’s Queen Bee is happy to stir up trouble amongst Archie, Betty, and Veronica, but Cheryl is keeping secrets of her own. What, exactly, is she hiding about the mysterious death of her twin brother, Jason? Riverdale may look like a quiet, sleepy town, but there are dangers in the shadows… “

Because you know what this needs?  That’s right: it needs it some Frank Castle. BECAUSE THAT IS CANONICAL*.

Moe Lane

PS: There’s gonna be witchery before it ends. Network TV witchery, at that.  Mark my words.

PPS: DO NOT GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH ANY OF THE FEMALE CHARACTERS ON ARCHIE.  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

*”The Crossover You’ve Been Dreading!” …True. Oh, how true it was…