Attack of the Fifty-foot Panda! – Google Docs
Attack of the Fifty-foot Panda!
…Yeah, that’s going to be problematical. For a bunch of reasons, really. And it’s going to be problematical for everybody, including the aliens that created this creature in the first place.
Probably the principle was sound enough: take some animal DNA, splice it into a weird biological plastic construct that could emulate said DNA at a ‘monstrous’ level, and send your new critter out to level Tokyo. And it works! And it’s even pretty cheap!
Problem is, the aliens were apparently under the impression that all the monster movies we’ve been broadcasting out for the last century or so were actually based on real creatures, so they assumed that we had lizards with radioactive breath and flying lizards with flame breath and moths with poisonous breath… they were expecting to find legged creatures with ranged attacks, OK? This was just assumed on the blueprints. They saw them on the television broadcast, right? And apparently intelligent species never use television for something so crass as pulp science fiction. Of course.
So, when the invaders finally got to Earth, the ones that managed to survive the first wave of counter-attacks — apparently humans are also the only species out there that doesn’t enthusiastically use nuclear weapons once they’re acquired, so the invaders kind of assumed that we had just forgotten how to make more of them — were fairly desperate to find something, anything, to toss into the growth matrix chamber. One invading ship crashed in China, and the first team to come back alive from the bio-surveys returned with… a panda.
Hey, in their defense the damned things are carnivores, biologically speaking. Sort of. And they’re not tame! More or less. A fifty-foot one would be scary. Under the right circumstances, which probably include the one about having Earth be invaded by a species that was not at the bottom of the rankings for that sort of thing.
But since Earth was invaded by idiots, it’s probably not surprising that the giant panda got loose during the surrender ceremony. Now it’s on a sort-of rampage, and it’s your team’s responsibility to try to get that panda back under control. The former invaders will be at your disposal for figuring out how to do that, and maybe they’ll even be less than completely useless… yes, I know that one of them is sitting right there. Your point?
Oh, and before you ask: no, you may not shoot the panda. The Chinese government has been informed by its subjects that the panda is not to be killed. Not that the Chinese government typically cares what its subjects think, but in this particular case they’ve had the fear of Whoever put into them… yes, I know that a representative from the PRC is sitting right next to the idiot alien. Again, your point?