Item Seed: The Evil Survival Crash Kit

Evil Survival Crash Kit – Google Docs

The Evil Survival Crash Kit

This distinctly unattractive, not to mention absolutely repellent, metal box weighs 23.643 lbs, has a handle and carrying straps that are clearly not designed for human hands and backs, and smells mildly like socks that had been used to crush grapes, then left in a dark, damp room to ferment for a few weeks.  ‘Evil Survival Crash Kit,’ by the way, is the name that human investigators have given it: presumably its ‘official’ name is spelled out somewhere in the disturbing, writhing sigils and designs that glow in and out of sight on the box itself.  Given the contents and the entities that typically carry a Crash Kit, the translated name is probably highly unpleasant and almost certainly blasphemous.

As for the contents: well, the Crash Kit appears to be the demonic equivalent of a combination first aid and wilderness survival kit.  And ‘demonic’ is not hyperbole, given that the Crash Kit tends to implode in the presence of just about every religion’s holy symbols.  Some of the less horrible items in inventory include an epipen filled with human blood (it’s even worse than you think), a rebreathing device that releases hydrogen sulfide, several laminated charts of the human body and its various cuts of meat, a very loud and very large pistol that can shoot a total of 12 blobs of napalm and screams like a tortured nun when fired, a metallic blanket that radiates heat at about 900 degrees Fahrenheit, a collection of various pills and powders that do awful things to any test animal exposed to them, about a pound of gold wire and loose diamonds (both almost certainly cursed), and what appears to be a guidebook that has phonetic transcriptions of such charming phrases as “Give me what I want or I will eat this child,” “Cower before your new master, slave,” “Bring me more man-flesh, cattle!,” “Aid me and I shall destroy your enemies,” and a remarkable number of scatalogical, profane, lewd, and depraved phrases and swear words.
Oh, and a Leatherman multitool.  It is, in fact, the only item in the Crash Kit that is clearly of human origins.  Apparently Hell couldn’t come up with anything better. Which is complimentary, in its way — not that Leatherman ever plans to advertise Hell’s tacit endorsement of its product to the general public.