Item Seed: “Watermelons and Space-Time.”

“Watermelons and Space-Time.”

Description: a two-minute YouTube video that claims that the universe is best visualized as a watermelon, with the pulp being dark matter and the seeds being, well, everything else. Watemelons and Space-Time is done in an unfortunately garish animation style, and the voiceovers are all computer-generated, with a tone and diction that almost sounds close to normal.  The account that this video was originally uploaded to has only posted one video, and has shown no signs of activity since.

Well, you know how it is: when you have a sudden rash of mysterious disappearances, reappearances, and random sonic booms in an area, and all of your MiB cleanup teams report that a particular YouTube video is in the browser history of all the people doing the disappearing and reappearing and booming — well.  Correlation may not be causation out there in the real world, sure. But among the Illuminati, correlation has to keep having its thumb shoved off of causation’s scales.

Yes, of course, that sounded vaguely obscene.  And it is! Just not for the reasons you think (and, sorry: you’re not cleared for that sub-category of dirty joke).

Moving along!  So, hey, it’s a video that can make a latent teleporter’s powers manifest — and isn’t that a helpful teaching aid to have pop up?  The appropriate people are still trying to work out the exact information delivery mechanism; something about the subliminal messaging in the background of the video, or maybe harmonics from the painfully artificial (in every sense) dialogue, or it’s Tibetan tulpas again and we’ve just hallucinated the dang thing into existence.  No matter. It’s there, it works, and we’re getting more teleporters out of the deal. Rocking, right?

Well, of course it’s rocking!  Of course, we need to find out why this video was made, where it came from, who made it, whether it’s poisoned fruit, designed to have us create an army of teleporters who can then be mind-ripped and transformed into living portals for an invasion force; you know. The usual questions.  So go get the answers! Particularly the last one, of course. And don’t feel bad if it does all just turn out to be a dastardly plot. After all, surprise interdimensional invasions are great fun when they’re not actually a surprise.