Google wants to be a bank, says your data will be safHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHA Yeah that’s not gonna happen, chummer.

The Google empire is enormous and ubiquitous, covering basically the entire Internet in one way or another. There is, however, one lucrative business the company does not yet have a foothold in: banking. And now it has plans to change that.

Google is working to launch consumer checking accounts next year, The Wall Street Journal first reported this morning. The project, code-named Cache because apparently nobody can resist a pun, is expected to launch next year, sources told the Journal. CNBC, also citing “sources familiar,” confirmed the WSJ’s reporting.

I still use Google. More accurately, I still use Google for everything that I don’t actually really care that much about. I have absolutely no confidence in, or desire to test, Google’s ability to not give up my actual financial data when asked for it. And lemme note that I don’t believe Google when they say that we can trust them: see the title.

Moe Lane

PS: When it comes to anti-trust: Amazon will likely survive. Facebook will somehow survive. But they’re gonna take a regulatory fire-axe to Google one of these days, and when the dust settles and the flames die down everybody’s gonna use the ashes for a clambake. That’s not a political comment; it’s a reasonably objective observation.

5 thoughts on “Google wants to be a bank, says your data will be safHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

  1. I recall a time when I thought well of Google.
    It was long ago.
    Pretty much everyone but hardcore SJWs and Koch conservatives would bring marshmallows if Alphabet died in a fire. (And a lot of hardcore SJWs are Apple fanboys.)

  2. They won’t break up Google. Google is The Swamp’s wet dream made manifest. At most they’ll take it’s lunch money as they steal it’s homework.

  3. Operation Paperclip II: The Eviling
    Now I’m wondering if Alphabet actively recruited former Stasi and KGB members to help them with their datamining.
    Google was founded by a Russian expat, after all…
    Ugh. I hate that for over a decade now, conspiracy theories have been more reliable than official reports. Twenty years ago, I’d have spun that bit above into a modern thriller setting, and it would have been *fun*!
    Now, it would only be horrifying.

  4. Amazon’s been smart about its behemoth status so far. Give customers what they want, and don’t be stupid. Facebook, according to rumor, is on shakey ground even without the government intervening. Alphabet is not only too big, but it doesn’t really try to hide its ego.

    You’re probably right that Amazon will survive when the regulatory fire axe is summoned. But I suspect that whoever succeeds Bezos won’t be as circumspect as Bezos has wisely been. And at that point, the company will draw scrutiny. That’s assuming it doesn’t end up like Sears, of course.

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