I’ve reviewed the first three chapters and I’ve already found an ex-girlfriend and a murder victim that need to be expanded upon. Oops.
I stood up when Eddie’s friend (or ‘friend’) came into the bar. She was dressed tonight in a blue and green number that a lot to the imagination while encouraging it; there was a mourning band on one arm. Red hair, gray eyes, and enough makeup to get in the way of any spellcasting; either she wasn’t a mage, or she was taking the night off. I was betting the former.
“Good evening, Shamus,” she said after giving me a handshake that was all business. “I’m Louise Cabada. A glass of the house red will be fine,” she said while sitting down.
Well, that was efficient. I waved a waiter over and sat down myself. “So. Same orphanage as Eddie?”
She gave me a respectful side nod. “Not bad. The last name, I take it?”
“Yup.” You take your last names from your parents, so when you only have one it’s usually because you had to pick it yourself. “And there ain’t that many orphanages in Cin City, either. Seemed reasonable. Ah, not at the same time though, right?”
“Flatterer,” she said. In a different tone that would have been promising; but Louise here wasn’t giving off any kind of come-hither vibes. She wasn’t being hostile, but she wasn’t interested, either. “Eddie was ten years older than me; I came to Santa Elena’s two years after he left it. But there was an ATSE jobs program for, ah, mundane orphans, and I took advantage of it.” She sipped her drink. “That’s how I met Eddie.”
“Ah. So you were friends and coworkers, then. How well did you know Eddie?”
She shrugged. “Intimately. After all, I had also been sleeping with him. Does that surprise you?”
“I’m a Shamus, Senorita Cabada. Everything surprises me.”
“Really? Why is that?”
“Because nobody ever seems to learn better.”
“a blue and green number that a lot to the imagination” – seems like you left out a “left”
“while encouraging it; there was ” – I know you love the semicolon, but this one is probably better dropped, and replaced by some sort of construction involving “and ” or “with”. That’s especially the case given the one that follows it – that one actually works reasonably well, but going for two in the same paragraph is just *greedy*. Unless the first is a deliberate sacrifice left out for your editor in the hopes that the second will be allowed to live?
“in the way of any spellcasting” might work better without the “any”. Also, I don’t know that there’d previously been any suggestion tat makeup hampered spellcasting in any way. This is a somewhat odd place to reveal it if not.
1. So noted.
2. So noted.
3. That one actually references back to something in the beginning of the book, so it’s cool.
Also, if dual last names were the standard, then it seems that any orphan who chose a singular last name would have been openly (and probably somewhat proudly/defiantly) declaring their orphan status. If they were trying to blend in, they’d have taken two. First, that would make her a touch less surprised. Second, it’d say something about her character (and Eddie’s, if he had a singular name).
That one I need to think about.