Meat Golems
These are… interesting. They’re not exactly Undead, but that’s only because the Undead are typically inedible, and these things are… well, you can safely cut bits off of them, cook the bits, and safely eat what you’ve cooked. It’s really not that strange, right?
No, wrong, sorry, this even weirds out the magical cultures doing it. Not that those cultures have much of a choice, given that Meat Golems were originally created when a plethora of unfortunate accidents threatened to wipe out the local cattle supply. Indeed, the cow population hovered at the very limit of what a more technologically savvy society would call ‘replacement level:’ the creation of Meat Golems was the only thing that prevented an utter agricultural collapse.
To create a Meat Golem, you need a sophisticated endoskeleton of specially-enchanted hollow tubes and joints, vaguely humanoid in appearance. You then fill that endoskeleton with plant matter, via the pop-top head; and water, via the holes in the feet. Then you attach your meat of choice to the endoskeleton. The meat will then start to grow on the Meat Golem. Every two weeks or so you’ll need to trim the meat off of the Golem, lest it turn into a nigh-literal ball of flesh; but Golems of all kind are surprisingly low-maintenance, and these things can be easily commanded to replenish their grass and water supplies on their own.
It also turns out that they can be ordered to lumber into battle while wielding a sword in each hand, which is one reason why Meat Golems are still kept around. All Golems can take ridiculous amounts of damage before falling apart, and Meat Golems are no exception. Plus, they move about as fast as a man in heavy armor! That absolutely makes them useful, from a military perspective. Most Golems are simply too slow to move…
But do Meat Golems mind any of this? Apparently not. In fact, put two of them in the same room and they’ll regularly trim each other’s bodies to make sure that both Golems stay mobile. Also, any attempt to check to see whether Meat Golems need or want anything typically ends with a mute shrug. Which is definitely weird, but then: so is everything else about these constructs.
…. I may never look at a gyros or shawarma the same way again.
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I am not happy about this.
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Mew