Tag: item

Item Seed: 101 Classic Insults in Helltongue.

101 Classic Insults in Helltongue – Google Docs

101 Classic Insults in Helltongue

 

This handsome leather-bound work runs to about 220 pages, has no printer information, and incorporates illustrations that force the average human reader to blank out the pictures in sheer neurological self-defense.  That last bit tends to encourage people to believe that 101 Classic Insults in Helltongue is in fact ‘real,’ given the rather obvious reality-warping going on.  Given that the rest of the book features lengthy phonetic transcriptions and short translations of what sound like fairly bizarre statements (“Your brood-mate cleans its horns with second-rate bone sand,” that sort of thing), it’s likely that dilettantes wouldn’t bother with the book otherwise.  There’s also a section which earnestly assures the reader that showing dominance over spirits via the use of ritual insults is a time-tested way to safely summon demons.

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Item Seed: Healing Mortar Rounds.

Healing Mortar Rounds – Google Docs

Healing Mortar Rounds

 

There’s a case (sixty-four count) of these things, and Healing Mortar Rounds (HMRs) work just as advertised: shoot one out of a standard World War 2 8 centimeter Granatwerfer 34 mortar, and the shell will heal everybody within a ten foot radius, wherever it hits. ‘Heal’ is kind of subjective: the energy will close wounds, clean out infections and foreign matter, and repair minor breaks, but if your arm has gotten blown off the best one of these things can do is heal over the stump.  Still, the mortar rounds reliably work.

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Item Seed: Ballistic Ivy.

Ballistic Ivy – Google Docs

Ballistic Ivy

Hedera helix munitionis

 

This hardy variant of English ivy is prized by the more discerning gardener and tactical security coordinator for its ability to actually reinforce the vertical surfaces on which it climbs — to the point where even a new transplanting of Ballistic Ivy can repel small-arms fire after a mere year’s growth.  A century’s worth of cultivation of this plant can produce an organic net that could shrug off an artillery shell.  Or at least keep the blast from penetrating the ivy.

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Item Seed: Empathic Potatoes.

Empathic Potatoes – Google Docs

Empathic Potatoes

 

It is honestly by the purest accident that these vegetables look like Earth potatoes. Or that they can grow in Earthlike environments.  Or that, yes, they taste more or less like potatoes and that humans can gain nutrition from them — oh, why lie?  It is starkly incomprehensive how so many coincidences necessary for the existence of the Empathic Potato could have piled up. Which is why the Empathic Potato has been the official symbol of the Intergalactic Teleological Research Association since 2247.  

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Item Seed: The D-Day Bullet

D-Day Bullet – Google Docs

 

The D-Day Bullet

This item was the first bullet from a German Mauser rifle fired at Utah Beach that killed a member of the American military. There is a lot of occult discussion as to just who was the first real casualty of D-Day; as a result, there are several items that can be plausibly claimed to represent the first fatal shot made against the Allies that day.  This particular Bullet, however, is so powerful that it almost glows in the dark for non-magic users, so there’s that.

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Item: The Imperial Crown of America.

Imperial Crown of America – Google Docs

 

The Imperial Crown of America

 

This particular artifact enjoys a certain reputation in the occult underworld. After all, seldom do you see a vicious practical joke presented in such an expensive, if not actively obscenely extravagant, style.  The Crown itself clearly owes its conceptional design to the infamous works of Robert Chambers: it is a diadem of beaten gold with multiple faceted diamonds, with inlaid carvings that suggests tentacles, seaweed, the tattered silk of a pallid and faceless King… you know the drill.  It’s really made out of gold, by the way, and those are real diamonds.  Which means that the thing is ridiculously heavy, but never mind that right now.

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Item Seed: the 2013 Tucker Tornado.

2013 Tucker Tornado – Google Docs

2013 Tucker Tornado

 

This car came flying out of an anomalous sudden cyclone just north of Sydney on June 19, 2017; while the car itself suffered only minor scuffing damage, everything organic inside (including the three human passengers) was dead.  And ‘everything’ means everything.  Some of the sealed objects and surfaces inside were more sterile than an operating room.  The car itself is a very nice four-door sedan, light blue in color, in reasonably good shape but still showing some wear.  The brakes and steering are on the standard American automobile pattern, but it’s powered by a kerosene burning steam engine and there isn’t a single transistor in the vehicle (or on the bodies).  What electronics there are uses strictly vacuum tube technology.

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Item Seed: Adam Madeira.

Blame this.

Adams Madeira – Google Docs

Adams Madeira

 

Back in 2015, renovators and catalogers at Kean University discovered that a portion of the university’s wine cellar consisted of a shipment of Madeira wine laid down in 1796 to celebrate John Adams’ Inauguration. The Madeira, of course, was still drinkable — the stuff can last for centuries — which is why the entire consignment was quietly stolen one night and replaced with a rather nice stock from the Illuminati’s own stores that was equally old, but not nearly as mystically potent.  It was, of course, a wrench for the Secret Masters who were personally discommoded by the switch, but manners are manners.  You simply do not steal from somebody else’s cellar.

 

Well, unless they’re treating the wine abominably.  The Secret Masters are still human beings.  Or at least a functional working equivalent thereof.

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Item Seed: The Metronome of the Universe.

Metronome of the Universe – Google Docs

The Metronome of the Universe

 

It looks like a perfectly normal metronome — and it is, as long as you don’t push in the little button at the base.  If you do, then the Metronome of the Universe starts ticking in a very specific rhythm.  The natural rhythm of the universe itself: its heartbeat, as it were.  At least, that’s what the deepest-diving mystics and the most outre of the theoretical physicists say, and they’d the ones who would know, right?

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Item Seed: National Graham Cracker Day.

National Graham Cracker Day – Google Docs

 

National Graham Cracker Day

 

This holiday is celebrated on July 5th — oh, yes, it’s still celebrated. Despite the best efforts of the FBI to shut it down.  Which is hard to do when you can’t actually explain why you’re shutting down a religious holiday, because then you have to explain what the religion is, and that’s when people start freaking out.

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