Jun
26
2019

Adventure Seed: Time Intervention File #1599-SHA-COMM.

This came to me in a dream while I was napping after a combination hot tub / wet sauna / tropical shower at the spa (and damned if I didn’t need all of that, too). I then came back home, wrote it all down, and then hit Publish before I came to my senses. Because, really, this is awful. Too awful not to share.

Time Intervention File #1599-SHA-COMM

Good morning, team.  The text that you are about to read showed up this morning in an authenticated, pre-First Folio 1602 AD copy of The Merry Wives of Windsor.  Before anybody asks: yes, it absolutely is real.  Well, real now.

Doctor Caius: 

What ails thee, my lord?

Justice Swallow: 

My head is filled with din of war, monsieur;

The march of feet in cruelest steel rebounds

Inside my skull; the wine I quaffed last e’en

Was brewed from grapes whose traitor’s roots were steeped 

In poison foul; but, still! So sweet, and rich.

Doctor Caius:

My lord, thou needs to find an Advil now.

Justice Swallow:

An anvil? Ha! That well describes my head.

Doctor Caius:

No, not an anvil, sir; an Advil is what

You need to cure these imbalanced humors.

Justice Swallow:

This Advil that you speak so sweetly of,

Belike it be some Faerie dust, all gold

At night, but in harsh day transforms to leaves?

Doctor Caius:

Nay, nay, good sir! Fie, fie upon that thought!

Tis but a nostrum from the noble Art

That seeks to turn base dross to gold, and here

Turns headaches grim to pleasant smiling joy.

Justice Swallow:

Perhaps there is no grave sin here to risk, 

But I mislike the thought of strange powders…

Doctor Caius:

My lord, it also shields one from tooth-ache.

Justice Swallow:

Where is my horse? I must now fly anon!

Yes, it looks like somebody’s been stranded in time again.  This text does not appear in either the 1619 quarto or the First Folio, thankfully, which gives us some decent clues as to when the interference occurred.  Our best bet for the preliminary insertion is going to be 1599 AD; hopefully, you won’t need more than two or three mini-jumps to lock down the best point to rescue the time castaway.

Of course, that’s just the actual rescue. Cleaning up the cultural contamination before it gets fixed into the timeline is another thing entirely.  Particularly since there’s a couple of groups out there who wouldn’t mind having commercial advertising become a standard part of English playwriting.  Try not to be too messy in convincing them otherwise, please? Too many running gun battles through the Globe Theater is why we ended up having to burn it down early.

2 Comments

  • acat says:

    ::chuckles::
    .
    So .. in addition to “time cops”, we’ve now got “time roadside assistance” ?
    .
    I .. rather like.
    .
    Is “The Men who Murdered Mohammed” required reading?
    .
    Mew

  • Rockphed says:

    Shakespeare was the equivalent of a guy who wrote all the marvel movies, wasn’t he? His stories aren’t particularly original but oh my are they entertaining to watch (well, most of them at any rate).

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