Quote of the Day, …That Poor CATS Reviewer edition.

You can tell that he’s seen what cannot be unseen. I have not vetted this particular critic, as is my usual wont, on the grounds that this review is just too damn funny not to share. I had to make a gut call, and I did. That’s why I’m here.

The film that everyone is in is largely the musical of cats singing about what kind of cat they are and this repeats until you pray for the sweet release of death. Tom Hooper’s direction to his actors for this semblance of a plot was to act it super horny. That doesn’t give Cats a raw sexual energy as much as it makes everything incredibly uncomfortable like when Rum Tum Tugger (Jason Derulo) is dumping milk into cats’ faces or Macavity just seems more nude than other cats even though technically all the cats are nude. But if it wasn’t enough to make the cats horny (why are they so horny), Hooper also feels the need to make it gross by having them dig through trash and play up their animal instincts. Cats always feels like it’s two seconds away from turning into a furry orgy in a dumpster. That’s the energy you have to sit with for almost two hours.

13 thoughts on “Quote of the Day, …That Poor CATS Reviewer edition.”

  3. Well OK. Reason enough not to see it. I thank both our host and this reviewer for saving me from what would have been torture. “…sweet release of death” indeed.

    Once I hit 60, I learned to avoid any kind of experience like that. Time is getting short as it is.

  4. All reviews should be like this. I will attempt to watch Cats, stopwatch in hand, to see how much I can tolerate before I turn it off. If I can sit through Pluto Nash and Glitter and Crossroads all on the same night, I think I can get through Cats.

    1. But what about Freddie Got Fingered? In all my movie-going years, I’ve never once, other than this movie, been asked by the ticket-taker “why would you want to go see that?”

      1. Some college friends went to go see that one. When I asked how it was, the only response they would give was (and I quote) “CAN’T WASH OFF STINK OF MOVIE”.

  5. This reviewer seems to have already been biased against the original play, but it’s still the funniest non-political thing I’ve seen today.

  6. You did…WHAT???

    Pluto Nash, Glitter and Crossroads? On the same night???

    Was this punishment or to win a bet? Or because you lost a bet? Or was there a woman involved?

    Or maybe I should just shut up now.

    1. Bad Cinema Night.

      I’ve seen such luminary films as “Master of Disguise” “Swept Away” (not to be confused with Miyazaki’s Masterpiece “Spirited Away”) and many, many other stinkers.

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