Jul
30
2017
2

Item Seed: The D-Day Bullet

D-Day Bullet – Google Docs

 

The D-Day Bullet

This item was the first bullet from a German Mauser rifle fired at Utah Beach that killed a member of the American military. There is a lot of occult discussion as to just who was the first real casualty of D-Day; as a result, there are several items that can be plausibly claimed to represent the first fatal shot made against the Allies that day.  This particular Bullet, however, is so powerful that it almost glows in the dark for non-magic users, so there’s that.

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Jul
16
2017
3

Item: The Imperial Crown of America.

Imperial Crown of America – Google Docs

 

The Imperial Crown of America

 

This particular artifact enjoys a certain reputation in the occult underworld. After all, seldom do you see a vicious practical joke presented in such an expensive, if not actively obscenely extravagant, style.  The Crown itself clearly owes its conceptional design to the infamous works of Robert Chambers: it is a diadem of beaten gold with multiple faceted diamonds, with inlaid carvings that suggests tentacles, seaweed, the tattered silk of a pallid and faceless King… you know the drill.  It’s really made out of gold, by the way, and those are real diamonds.  Which means that the thing is ridiculously heavy, but never mind that right now.

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Jul
15
2017
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Item Seed: the 2013 Tucker Tornado.

2013 Tucker Tornado – Google Docs

2013 Tucker Tornado

 

This car came flying out of an anomalous sudden cyclone just north of Sydney on June 19, 2017; while the car itself suffered only minor scuffing damage, everything organic inside (including the three human passengers) was dead.  And ‘everything’ means everything.  Some of the sealed objects and surfaces inside were more sterile than an operating room.  The car itself is a very nice four-door sedan, light blue in color, in reasonably good shape but still showing some wear.  The brakes and steering are on the standard American automobile pattern, but it’s powered by a kerosene burning steam engine and there isn’t a single transistor in the vehicle (or on the bodies).  What electronics there are uses strictly vacuum tube technology.

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Jul
14
2017
--

Item Seed: Adam Madeira.

Blame this.

Adams Madeira – Google Docs

Adams Madeira

 

Back in 2015, renovators and catalogers at Kean University discovered that a portion of the university’s wine cellar consisted of a shipment of Madeira wine laid down in 1796 to celebrate John Adams’ Inauguration. The Madeira, of course, was still drinkable — the stuff can last for centuries — which is why the entire consignment was quietly stolen one night and replaced with a rather nice stock from the Illuminati’s own stores that was equally old, but not nearly as mystically potent.  It was, of course, a wrench for the Secret Masters who were personally discommoded by the switch, but manners are manners.  You simply do not steal from somebody else’s cellar.

 

Well, unless they’re treating the wine abominably.  The Secret Masters are still human beings.  Or at least a functional working equivalent thereof.

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Jul
07
2017
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Item Seed: The Metronome of the Universe.

Metronome of the Universe – Google Docs

The Metronome of the Universe

 

It looks like a perfectly normal metronome — and it is, as long as you don’t push in the little button at the base.  If you do, then the Metronome of the Universe starts ticking in a very specific rhythm.  The natural rhythm of the universe itself: its heartbeat, as it were.  At least, that’s what the deepest-diving mystics and the most outre of the theoretical physicists say, and they’d the ones who would know, right?

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Jul
05
2017
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Item Seed: National Graham Cracker Day.

National Graham Cracker Day – Google Docs

 

National Graham Cracker Day

 

This holiday is celebrated on July 5th — oh, yes, it’s still celebrated. Despite the best efforts of the FBI to shut it down.  Which is hard to do when you can’t actually explain why you’re shutting down a religious holiday, because then you have to explain what the religion is, and that’s when people start freaking out.

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Jun
25
2017
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Item Seed: Infinite Rope Crossbow.

Infinite Rope Crossbow – Google Docs

Infinite Rope Crossbow

 

The Infinite Rope Crossbow is fairly obviously a magic item, given that it’s a crossbow that shoots a grappling bolt attached to a cord of infinite length. Said cord can and does support up to two tons of weight (anything more than that will be somehow shaken off, gently but firmly).  Also, the Crossbow reeks of magical energy.  Malevolent magical energy, at that; which is why no intelligent mage ever carries one.  Better to let the fighters and rogues take that particular risks, hey?

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Jun
24
2017
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Item Seed: Thumpers.

Thumpers – Google Docs

 

Thumpers

 

Thumpers are the kind of anti-psionic devices you get when psionic abilities start showing up in the population at an early-medieval level of technology.  They’re crude, brute-force, and indiscriminate in their effect — but they work, which is the important thing.  In fact, to the people in power that typically commission the devices, that’s really the only thing.

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Jun
20
2017
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Item Seed: The Beccar Harmonicas.

Beccar Harmonicas – Google Docs

The Beccar Harmonicas

So-called for their reappearance during a raid on a collector living in Beccar (a suburb of Bueno Aires that once boasted residents like Mengele and Eichmann) that revealed the existence of not only the harmonicas, but a veritable treasure-trove of Nazi memorabilia.  Which was actually mostly kitsch.  Deliberately so, in fact: hiding the existence of the harmonicas was the crucial objective, and what better way to hide them than to mix them in with horribly tacky busts and geegaws?

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Jun
20
2017
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Item Seed: The Maxim Ostracod Tracer Round.

Maxim Ostracod Tracer Round – Google Docs

 

The Maxim Ostracod Tracer Round

 

The Maxim Ostracod Tracer Round has the distinction of being the only tool of war to ever be successfully banned by the Royal Interplanetary Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. And it took some doing: the British Empire’s Venusian forces swore by the things. But even the most jingoistic regimental colonel would privately concede that the RISPCA perhaps had a point.

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Jun
18
2017
5

Item Seed: Beer Gun.

Beer Gun – Google Docs

 

Beer Gun

 

This thing, to put it simply, is a monster of mid-20th century engineering.  The Beer Gun looks roughly like a drastically scaled-down version of a M61 Vulcan rotary cannon; while it is light enough to be fired by a person, there’s a handle on the top to grab while firing. The user frankly needs it, given that this thing kicks like a mule. The Beer Gun has six muzzleloading barrels: each barrel can fit one standard-sized can of Budweiser beer from the 1950s (the US Army manual that accompanies each Beer Gun is adamant that only Budweiser is to be used).  The firing mechanism is one heavy-duty titanium spring per barrel: once a chamber has been fired, it takes a total of one minute of steady ratcheting with an included jack to cock the spring back. There are no electrical or chemical components to the Beer Gun at all, and all of the mechanical parts are designed to be as rugged as possible.

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Jun
11
2017
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Item Seed: Spray-Sort.

Sometimes I write out the title, and then wait for it to tell me what it is.

Spray-Sort – Google Docs

Spray-Sort

 

One of the things that virtually godlike high-tech alien races soon learn to do is to regularly come up with entertaining shiny gimcracks with which to distract the rather less high-tech alien races.  Why? Because the less-advanced races can still be aggravating, or even dangerous; and if you think that technological superiority is a perfect and flawless game-winner, contemplate whether the existence of tanks and nuclear warheads makes you, personally, any safer when somebody comes up and hits you over the head with a rock.

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