Crate of Cran
Presumably that’s what it should be called: “Cran” is what’s on both the crate, and the labels of the twenty-four individual 12-ounce cans inside that crate. Everything about the Crate of Cran is consistent with a mass-produced commercial foodstuff that is made openly and sold legally; the labels are machine-printed and affixed, cooking instructions and suggested recipes are included, and there’s even a non working barcode. Which is significantly alarming, because the principal ingredient of Cran is spiced and sliced human brain tissue. It’s not particularly healthy brain tissue, either: some fairly intensive analysis of the stuff suggests that the donors were older, not in the best of condition, and died while experiencing some stress. Which is, alarmingly, not too surprising to anybody who works in the meatpacking industry.
The company who apparently makes Cran is not the company that makes a certain ‘spiced ham’ processed food: in fact, nobody’s ever heard of the company at all. And trust me, the CDC and FBI went looking, once somebody opened up a can of Cran. Wherever this stuff came from – secret cannibal conspiracy, underground monster economy, the traditional alternate universe – there’s probably more crates of the stuff, and each one of them represents a mass killing. Covering that up (should the party be working for groups that would want it to happen) will be even hairier than usual. And absolutely, completely, no-fooling dangerous as well. Whoever makes Cran must be considered to be hostile towards normal human beings, pretty much by definition. At least, that’s the argument that the FBI is making, and it’s hard to fault their logic.
What? NO! Nobody knows how it tastes, and nobody cares, either. The investigation teams are well past the point where gallows humor could possibly help. The sheer matter-of-fact nature of this stuff’s packaging mentally oppresses, after a while. If the CDC/FBI ever finds the factory where Cran is made, they’ll have to draw straws to see who gets to set fire to the place…
Well that was one of your cheerier snippets…
*shudder*
I would taste it. The dirty deed’s been done and you can’t put that corpse back together, after all*.
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I will also find that, naturally, it tastes like chicken.
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.
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*Or can you….?
More like pork, really, but with kind of a ‘scrambled egg’ fluffiness.
…what? I’m a systems administrator.
(stage whisper)
Kuuuruuuuu
(/stage whisper)
.
Mew
Yeah, human flesh is more likely to have bacteria that will infect other humans, and brain tissue specifically can harbor kuru. So, can modern canning methods prevent transmission of prions?
Little dab of mayo/cream cheese and some spice and you’ve got yourself a nice Crom dip. Great for your apocalypse parties and sporting events.
Prepackaged zombie food. Hm.
Dare I ask where the inspiration for this seed came from?
Something Eric Burns said, coupled with one too many cans of Cram encountered in Fallout New Vegas.
Actually, The Fallout Universe would be a possible suspect.
There’s also the possibility that’s it’s Alien chow equivalent from a future where keeping the aliens happy is an important survival imperative worth harvesting the brains of the recently dead for. Distasteful maybe, but when weighed against the alternative, aliens hunting down and killing humans for the gray matter, it might be seen as an acceptable choice. Whatever the reason, whomever the cans were intended for could read at least one language. So it’s probably not zombie chow or meant for any form of animal, it also rules out any number of monster types. The target “consumer” is intelligent, can read and will take the time to prepare it’s “food” in a way it finds pleasing.