item – Page 28 – Moe Lane

Item Seed: Galvanized Bouquets.

Galvanized Bouquets

The alchemists never really went away; they simply decided to go off by themselves for a while. Also, it should probably be noted here that virtually nobody in the magical community with real power minded the dawn of our current rationalist-secularist era at all. Why should they? Thanks to modern science and technology, the number of superstitious peasants desirous of burning magicians — or, worse, desirous of constantly importuning and begging busy magicians for an endless stream of tawdry love spells and petty curses — keeps ever-shrinking. Books are cheap enough that mages no longer have to go to war with each other for the last remaining grimoire on a particular subject. There are such things as dentists. Indoor plumbing. Blessed, blessed anonymity. Plus, magic still works! But now that mages no longer have to suck up to rich patrons to get funding, it can now get to be a bit more baroque.

Continue reading Item Seed: Galvanized Bouquets.

Item Seed: The Scablands Map.

Sorta inspired by this.

Scablands Map – Google Docs

The Scablands Map

Description: there are three versions of the Scablands Map. First is what appears to be the original, which appears to been a thin slab of slate with numerous scratchings and markings on it. Unfortunately, about thirty percent of that Map is missing, and the rest was carefully broken into numerous pieces. The second Map appears to have been drawn on vellum some time around the beginning of the 17th Century AD, probably by Spanish monks. That Map is intact, and is stored in a wooden case with extensive scorch damage. And the third map is dated 1937, and is a product of the WPA’s Federal Art Project. It is reproduced below: Continue reading Item Seed: The Scablands Map.

Item Seed: The Apocalypse Trunk.

Apocalypse Trunk – Google Docs

The Apocalypse Trunk

The Apocalypse Trunk resembles an old-style steamer trunk, albeit one with wheels. Trying to move it around quickly demonstrates why it has wheels: the trunk is heavy, weighing in at around 350 pounds. It can technically be opened, but in that particular way that’s reserved for items that people are not really supposed to open unless they’re are specifically-trained technical personnel. There are numerous data ports installed on the side of the Trunk, and a heavy-duty power cord attached to it, so it doesn’t need to be opened to be used anyway.

Anyone who does open it will discover that the inside is packed with the latest word in hard drives. The total storage capacity of the Apocalypse Trunk is about 75 petabytes, which is insane. That’s enough for Google’s abortive 25 million book library archive – which is convenient, because that’s what’s precisely on the drives. Which means that this is already one of the problematical items: stolen merchandise that is priceless in both the positive and negative senses. That library is theoretically worth hundreds of millions if not billions, but there’s nobody out there who it could be fenced to.

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Item Seed: Cryptoid Autopsy! #5.

Cryptoid Autopsy! #5 – Google Docs

Cryptoid Autopsy! #5

This VHS tape comes in an oversized case, with a cover that could best be described as ‘garish’ and ‘busy:’ ‘Cryptoid Autopsy!’ is, for example, in all-caps, and in a particular color of green usually only seen at EPA Superfund sites. The packaging gives a copyright date of 1987, from a company that quietly went out of business in 1994. Extremely diligent research will find a 1989 company catalogue that lists this tape — it’s actually one of eight — but there’s pretty much nothing else available about this series otherwise.

Continue reading Item Seed: Cryptoid Autopsy! #5.

Item Seed: Octavian Doom Candles.

Octavian Doom Candles – Google Docs

Octavian Doom Candles

This somewhat esoteric protective artifact is supposed to not really be ominous, aside from the name. Unless you’re a minor auto-scripted, semi-autonomous post-corporeal soul fragment (or, sure, ‘ghost’), of course. Then it’s a big, heaping serving of Doom..

The Octavian Doom Candle (the origin of the name is slightly obscure) operates as a two-stage incendiary device: lighting the top causes the candle to eventually ‘unfold’ into a rotating wheel of eight large candles (and a second tier of six smaller ones). In the mundane world, this is mostly used as a gimmick for birthday cakes. In the esoteric world, the interaction of the flames and the movement is absolutely irresistible to minor ghosts. They get entranced, get sucked into the center flame, and then get burned up.

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Item Seed: Creepify.exe.

Creepify – Google Docs

Creepify.exe

This free PC browser extension would be strictly mythical, except that it appears just a little too often for that to happen. Its exact form varies from incarnation to incarnation; the browser used and the type of files it processes is never the same twice. So far, the only computer type that a version will appear is the PC. This equally relieves and offends Apple-using occultists.

For roughly 99.999% of the population, the only thing that Creepify.exe does is take an e-book’s text and ‘creepifies’ it by adding scary adverbs at random, switching out innocuous adjectives for alarming ones, and replacing all the proper nouns with names and places that are considered to be more baroque and unsettling. Creepify.exe is a free app; which is good, because the end result is usually extremely stupid and sometimes not even comprehensible.

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Item Seed: Leabhar Maidin Glas.

Leabhar Maidin Glas – Google Docs

Leabhar Maidin Glas

(Green Morning Book)

This somewhat unlucky tome — well, unlucky for its readers — was the target of numerous thefts, the occasional assassination, at least one war; and even today it’s still valuable as a historical heirloom. The book is in Middle Irish, and dates back to the 10th Century AD; and for its time the Leabhar Maidin Glas was a potent tome full of fell rituals and practices. However, the practices in question were all in the field of agriculture, if you’ll pardon the pun; there’s absolutely nothing magical and esoteric in the book at all. Well, nothing magical or esoteric, here in the modern era. Back in the day before scientific agronomy the tips found in the book would be remarkably good at increasing crop yields and breeding livestock, which is why so many petty noblemen kept raiding each other in order to get their hands on the only copy.

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Item Seed: The Kirby Tester.

Kirby Tester – Google Docs

The Kirby Tester

This shrinkwrapped package consists of a handheld item resembling a portable taser; a CD containing a variety of diagnostic software programs; and an illustrated (four color, naturally) pamphlet explaining how to use both the item and the software. Retail value $79.99, five dollar rebate coupon inside, a couple of links on the cover to websites that require an account to access. The package does not reek of extradimensional origin, assuming that somebody nearby has the ability to detect that sort of thing.

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Item Seed: Beruang H-40 Laptop.

Beruang H-40 Laptop – Google Docs

Beruang H-40 Laptop

This item was found in Borneo’s Tanjung Puting National Park, and the first interesting thing about the Beruang Laptop is that it is in excellent condition. The item was apparently designed to be humidity-resistant, effectively waterproof, rustproof, corrosion free, acclimated for jungle use, and just generally rugged. There is one section of the laptop case that seems to have been regularly gnawed, or at least bitten — but that section has been heavily rubberized. It’s almost as if the laptop was supposed to be carried around in one’s mouth. Oh, and the laptop is powered by a solar panel system that has the folks in the lab taking notes.

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Item Seed: Ghost Canoes.

Ghost Canoes – Google Docs

Ghost Canoes

These incredibly handy artifacts can only be made from wood from a tree that died, and was then left strictly alone for a full century. This makes them available only from Elves, a similarly long-lived species, or a community of incredibly patient mortals. Fortunately, once constructed Ghost Canoes can be repaired with regular wood.

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