Tag: jurassic world

We Are Dead And This Is Hell Watch: they’re going to reboot JURASSIC WORLD again.

Why? Because Universal believes in the multiverse theory, that’s why. They believe that, every time they make a movie, they create a universe where all of stuff in the film happens. This in itself might not seem so bad, except that Universal’s planning department is clearly under the control of a sadistic death cult that revels in pain and depravity*. By creating these movies of clever bloodthirsty dinosaurs and deeply, deeply stupid and self-destructive humans**, the cult can sacrifice entire worlds to their dark overlords, cackling in glee every Friday afternoon as they writhe in orgiastic frenzies…

Also, Universal just wants to personally annoy me by almost never doing feathered dinosaurs***.

*This is a joke.

**Seriously, the people in these movies have the survival instincts of pandas.

***This is also a joke. Not the part about me being annoyed; the part about Universal doing it deliberately.

So… basically, romance + DINOSAURS FIGHTING = Box Office GOLD?

Apparently so.

What do you get when you cross early 90s nostalgia, a “super-dino more terrifying than any to walk the Earth before it,” and Millennial star power? The immediate answer seems to be about half-a-billion dollars.

Jurassic World, despite lukewarm-to-warm reviews, pulled off the highest-grossing global opening of all time with a $511.8 million haul this weekend.”This over-performed in a way that I’ve never seen,” one box office analyst told the AP. “It broke the box office sound barrier.”

This may be the magic bullet for rom-coms: write out your Girl Meets Boy story, and toss in a dinosaur fight every single time the guys in the audience start fidgeting.  I’m not talking out of my rear on this one, by the way. I pitched my idea to my wife on the way home from the park, and she nodded vigorously at the idea.  Added a good wrinkle, too: dinosaurs that bond with individual humans, forcing the Girl and Boy to work together to… we dunno. Capture the old Alpha dinosaur, or something.

The point is: romance + dinosaur fights = gold.  Gold, Jerry!

…Right. OK, the ‘Jurassic World’ trailer.

So I got tweeted this:

…which refers to this:

So here’s my response: YOU DAFT IDJITS IN THAT UNIVERSE NEED TO STOP CLONING DINOSAURS. IT NEVER WORKS OUT THE WAY THAT YOU EXPECTED IT TO.

Seriously, guys. Cloning might be a respectable field of scientific study in my world, but in yours it’s a fast-track to Dino-Mega-Rampage. Maybe you guys should build, I don’t know, animatronic robots or something…

Moe Lane

PS: Look, there’s not a chance in Hell I will be capable of taking this movie seriously, sorry.