barbie – Moe Lane

Movie of the Week: BARBIEHEIMER.

Come, now. We all knew this was inevitable. BARBIE and OPPENHEIMER are quantumly entangled, now. They will reference each other until the sun contracts into a red dwarf. This is… destiny.

#commissionearned

The BARBIE Honest Trailer.

I admit to being disappointed that it was not the BARBIEHEIMER Honest Trailer, but that might have taken a bit too much work. BARBIE and OPPENHEIMER really do have distinct differences in tone and outlook, and trying to make that just work would be hard. Making it funny? …Well, maybe you could do it, for a minute or two. It’s sustaining it that would be the problem.

An idle musing about BARBIE.

Well. It was triggered by the BARBIE movie.

I think Greta Gerwig has at least one good horror flick in her. I don't mean that ironically, sarcastically, or as a hidden slam. I mean, specifically, that she could write and direct a good horror movie.
— Ogiel (Moe Lane) (@Ogiel23) August 1, 2023

Note that I am very much onboard with Ken Hite’s argument that PLEASANTVILLE is a Cthulhu Mythos story; so when I say that BARBIE has strong horrific elements to it, I’m not actually trying to slam the flick. The tropes actually work, from Things Are Not Normal Now to Warped Reflections of Reality to The World is Saved, But Not For Me. It’s just that everything’s in… pink. I’m genuinely interested in seeing what Greta Gerwig could do more overtly along those lines.

#commissionearned

My mini-review of BARBIHEIMER.

Short version: two good flicks that are going to do monster business, and you should probably avoid dismissing BARBIE’s cultural impact out of hand, or mischaracterizing it. That movie is ultimately for moms. Also: OPPENHEIMER did the right thing, but he shouldn’t have trusted any of those damn Commies.

Buy your tickets for BARBIHEIMER now!

Both of the two movies are projected to do well (although BARBIE’s going to be the box-office winner of the two). So if you were planning to be the 200,002 person* to see the films back-to-back, grab your tickets today. From what I can see, the theaters are filling up already for Saturday showings.

Moe Lane

BARBIHEIMER is a go for Saturday.

No, sorry, my mind is made up. More to the point, the arrangements have been made. I will be dropped off and picked up on Saturday so that I can go watch BARBIE and OPPENHEIMER (actual order will be dependent on available seats that day). Why will I be dropped off and picked up, I hear you ask?

The BARBIE Main Trailer.

The trailer claims that you will love this movie either if you love Barbie, or hate Barbie. I genuinely respect that kind of boasting, and I look forward to seeing whether it’s justified. Straight up.

Seriously, BARBIE could be one messed-up flick.

Moe Lane

PS: There are barbies and kens in FROZEN DREAMS, by the way. Some of the best-to-write dialogue I’ve ever done, too.

The ‘I am forced to admit that I laughed’ BARBIE teaser trailer.

This BARBIE trailer is… remarkably self-aware. And cinematically literate! I mean, intellectually you understand that Greta Gerwig has of course seen 2001 multiple times; but then you promptly forget that fact, because she’s directing the freaking Barbie movie. Maybe this is even going to be slightly subversive! …Which normally I’d hate, but I have difficulty taking TV shoes and movies seriously when they’re based on existing toy franchises (even the ones I like). Even a little subversion is beating expectations.

#commissionedearned

Movies based on Barbie, Rubik’s Cube in development.

I wanna say ‘God help us’ – in fact, I will say ‘God help us’ because there’s no way that we’d get versions of either that anybody reading this would want to watch. No, really. I’ve got elevator pitches for both.

Rubik’s Cube. Invented behind the Iron Curtain, in a captive state whose counter-revolt was crushed decades before. A man trapped in that ensnared, grayed-out land seeks to create a teaching tool, and discovers he has made a puzzle of color and possibilities. Can it be solved?
Barbie. Margo Robbie starring? Then I just need five words, my friends: War crimes for the Gipper. Huh? HUH?

I think that both of these would work. Never gonna see ’em, though. Particularly the last one*.

Moe Lane

*To be fair, you can more or less pitch any stupid movie concept as ‘War crimes for the Gipper’ and it immediately gets 10x better.

I did not know this.

This is why we have an Internet, by the way: to tell us things like this.

The reason the Barbie doll has to have such a small waist relative to the size of the breasts is that Barbie is designed to look good in doll clothes, and when you make doll clothes, you have to use normal fabrics, and you have to make seams and double the fabric over in a way that gets very bulky, especially around the waist. The doll’s unreal proportions become much more real if you put the clothes on.

Mind you, this answer is a lot less satisfying to a certain type of mind than the alternative answer Toy companies hate women and want them to be unhappy. In my (admittedly cynical and probably shallow) opinion, that attitude is mostly restricted to people in the fashion industry…

Moe Lane

PS: Shame? What’s that?