They’re already back online: but now the Weekly World News is talking about how they’d like to come all the way back. An actual tabloid, and everything. This was my response, of course:
I shall not believe in it until I see it. I dare not believe. No matter how much I might want to.
Yes. THE Bat Boy. The one from the Weekly World News, which was the greatest newspaper in the world. IN THE WORLD. It’s since migrated to the web, and they put out a ten minute Bat Boy movie last year:
I cannot understand how I missed this. I mean, it’s pretty good! Kind of like Frankenstein, if Frankenstein’s Monster wasn’t essentially a fairly smug [redacted]. Continue reading …Why was I not TOLD there was a Bat Boy movie?
Regarding my previous post: I spoke too soon.
A Florida teenager is behind bars as an accessory to the brutal murder of 16-year-old Jacob Hendershot. But that may not be the most shocking part of the crime – Stephanie Pistey says she believes she’s part vampire and part werewolf.
Ah, Florida. You are like a real-life Weekly World News*, only with an actual body count.
*See, this is what I’m talking about. This is the good stuff.
I should probably take it easy today: we just crammed a month’s worth of tabloid news into a week, and it’s maybe taking its toll.
But imagine how the Weekly World News must be feeling right now. They’re in serious danger of drowning in their stock-in-trade: no respectable online tabloid should have to cover Michael Jackson’s funeral AND Mark Sanford’s Sasquatch lover AND Ahmedinejad moonwalking at the same time. There’s just not enough space on one front page.
Liber ex Machina is exceedingly inflammatory about the immigration case of Jacques Orneuve, to the point of libel and beyond. The casual prejudice found in this piece is in fact so obnoxious that I don’t know where to begin, but clearly somebody has to slap this down before it goes any further, and I guess that it’s stuck being me.
Continue reading Once again, we see the prejudice of anti-immigration hardliners.
That’d be Ed Anger of the Weekly World News, of course: anyway, he’s had a pitch-perfect imitation going of a caricature of a conservative (not the same thing as a pitch-perfect imitation of a conservative, of course) for some time now, and that’s all right, really. He can keep it under control. I can handle Stephen Colbert; I can handle Ed Anger. Only… every so often he mentions something like Tax Freedom Day – a topic that a certain segment of the partisan spectrum hates even mentioning.
It does make you wonder which direction the satire is pointed at, sometimes.
PS: Oh, wow. Paratabloids: Poems Inspired by Headlines From the Weekly World News: that would almost be worth buying a Kindle 2 for alone.
Although the question is moot.
Now, as I have noted elsewhere I am giving a somewhat jaundiced eye towards our upcoming defense cuts, if only because I’m missing why we’re cutting from the military when we’re spending like drunken bureaucrats just about everywhere else. That does imply that I can be reasoned with on the need for any one particular program. Maybe.
BUT THIS IS AN OUTRAGE:
GATES PULLS PLUG ON DEFENSE SPENDING
WASHINGTON, DC – The Government has been forced to pull back on defense spending. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates is pulling funding on F22 and Area 51, which is expected to close within the month. At a press conference on Monday Robert Gates announced his new plan to shift resources from costly weapons systems to the ground campaigns in Iraq and Afghanistan
Area 51 is a top secret government installation in southern Nevada. It first gained recognition as a secret government testing site in the 1950’s. Since then it is believed to be where the government tests new and alien technologies. Most of the new and alien technology Secretary Gates is cutting is expected to be in Area 51.
Most of the absolutely critical advances in American technology – lasers, fuel cells, microprocessors, Cheez Wiz – have been generated via Area 51. The salvaged entertainment system from the crashed Roswell saucer alone has justified the entire program, although I will admit that the 8-track tape thing didn’t work out as well as was hoped. Still, this is an absolutely critical military facility, with endless opportunities for industrial and scientific advancement; we cannot let little trivialities like “telekinetic implosions,” “rips in the space-time continuum,” or “involuntary accelerated mass mutations” obscure the valuable work being done there.
So keep Area 51 open, Secretary Gates. Do not force me to unleash my minions upon the land.
You only think that they’re joking.
BERNANKE’S RECESSION PREDICTION
WASHINGTON, DC – Bernanke finally admits how he predicted the end of the recession: Astrology!
Continue reading Weekly World News has the scoop on Bernanke!
Hiding out in Fredericksburg, which is… look, I have nothing against the place, but it’s not exactly billionaire territory. I figured that he had a volcano lair, or something.
Via Fausta, and now I understand this story. I should have realized that it was based on something right from the start; the old I get, the more that line from Men in Black rings true…
Crossposted at RedState.
I suppose that it says something about me that I really would rather live in the Weekly World News‘ world:
WHALES TAKE DOWN SOMALI PIRATES
CAIRO—The Egyptian government is calling on the gentle giants of the sea to take out pirate ships, and the whales are getting the job done.
Somali privateers operating in the Indian Ocean have been robbing trade ships in the region and taking hostages, sometimes with political overtones. Egypt has responded with an elite fighting force of ramming whales trained to neutralize the vessels through headlong collisions.
“They’re not human!” wailed a captured Somali pirate, after an engagement that left his ship a wreck and his crew prisoners. “I mean, I know they’re not human, but like…I mean it in the superlative sense, like they’re not bound by human limitations.”
In a very odd way, it’d be a bit more coherent. The weird stuff that happens there have reasons behind them. Or, at least, better ones than “Just because” or “because there was money in it.”