It’s beautiful, man. Just beautiful.Continue reading This may have been the best thing The Onion’s ever done.
This was surprisingly difficult to find.
Well, I can’t call it ‘Life imitates the Onion,’ now can I? This is just straight-up ripping off. From the Onion, July 14th:
U.S. Soothes Upset Netanyahu With Shipment Of Ballistic Missiles
And from Haaretz, July 15th:
After Iran deal, Obama offers military upgrade to help Israel swallow bitter Iranian deal
In a phone conversation between the two leaders Tuesday, Netanyahu did not respond to the offer, said the official, who requested anonymity.
I don’t think that they meant to, but then: that’s not my problem, is it?
— The Onion (@TheOnion) June 25, 2015
Don’t get me wrong, folks: speaking as an American I think that the courts got it wrong today. But speaking as a Republican I’m very much aware that the fundamental problem with Obamacare is not that it was passed in such a slipshod fashion (although that is still a big problem). No, the real, fundamental problem with Obamacare is that it’s a festering pile of pig shit. That ain’t gonna get fixed with a 6-3 Supreme Court decision.
Point (The Daily Caller):
America’s families will soon get their turkey, potatoes and cranberries at Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners — but some will also get a tableside political pitch for the Obamacare insurance network.
President Barack Obama’s deputies at Organizing for Action are urging supporters to give an Obamacare pitch to their relatives during the most iconic of American family and religious events.
“Take advantage of downtime after meals or between holiday activities to start your talk,” says OFA’s marketing script, titled “Health Care for the Holidays.”
Counter-point (The Onion):
In an effort to ensure a smooth and enjoyable dinner with their relatives, siblings Jason, Alyssa, and Leslie Conroy reportedly sat down together Tuesday evening for a PowerPoint presentation covering all of the conversation topics that will be off-limits during the family’s Thanksgiving gathering. “As you can see here, we’re unsure whether or not cousin Jessica is actually college-bound, so we’re going to avoid that subject and stick to the key talking points listed in this table,” said Alyssa Conroy, 26, during the siblings’ 48-slide presentation, which reportedly featured pie charts breaking down the state and national voting histories of extended family members, as well as Venn diagrams illustrating what each relative knows about their father’s upcoming surgery.
The single most annoying thing about the Onion is not that it generally consists of not-particularly-subtle, not-particularly-fresh, and not-particularly-good reheated slacker-Democrat humor. It’s that, every so often, somebody wakes up over there and creates something absolutely hysterical. Case in point, from their “Biden Has Guy Named Worm Sit In For Him At Cabinet Meeting:”
…OK, let me shove the quotes under the fold. Language, and all that. Continue reading Quote of the Day, Why Can’t The Onion Do This More Often? edition. (NSFW)
Short version: Twitchy caught the typically unhinged Online Leftist reaction to the Onion’s… smear? No, they’ll claim that it’s a parody. Parody smear, I guess… article where they (falsely) had Michele Bachmann say that she was thankful that no “Americans” were killed in Sunday’s Oak Creek shooting. Now, I know, I know: comedy is edgy, it’s not the Onion’s fault that the Left side of its readership consists of room-temperature IQ mouth-breathers, it’s all somehow Bachmann’s fault that the aforementioned room-temperature IQ mouth-breathers got duped, yadda yadda. I get it, truly: there’s a dark side to the First Amendment sometimes, and the Onion is currently right in the middle of it.
But here’s the thing… the six people murdered Sunday were, in fact, Americans. I mention this because perhaps the Onion does not really in fact understand this; they have instead seemed to have taken the position that there are useful ways to mine the attack in a fashion that just happens to be in line with a favorite Democratic party narrative. In other words: while I recognize that the attack is being politicized in precisely the fashion being described here… Continue reading @TheOnion: using dead Sikhs as political props.
Admittedly, it was a silly part of me, but a part of me nonetheless.
I mean, obviously “Peter Jackson Opens Up About His Personal Hobbit Friends In Beginnings Of Genius Marketing Campaign Or Full-On Mental Breakdown” is an Onion article and thus not real, but hey: it’s not like the man was being portrayed as being dangerous, or anything. Besides, isn’t Peter Jackson rolling in enough dough now that all of this would simply have been redefined as an amusing set of eccentricities, instead of schizophrenia?
Besides, the filming’s mostly done by now anyway.
WASHINGTON—The United States Congress passed a law late Wednesday that for the first time in its 222-year history did not result in the sudden and unexpected deaths of thousands of ducks.
The law, designed to track suspicious interstate financial transactions, passed with an overwhelming majority in both houses and did not cause the usual hail of dead ducks to fall from the sky.
“I’m not sure what we did differently with this bill, but suffice it to say, we’re pleasantly surprised by the result,” House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA) said from the duck-carcass-free steps of the Capitol. “No ducks spontaneously lost their buoyancy and drowned in their ponds, burst into flames, or lined up to be run over by a steamroller. It’s a good day for Americans and a great day for ducks.”
It gets better: I don’t know why that’s the funniest damn thing that I’ve read so far today, but it is and I think that we all need the laugh.